As I am forcing myself to prepare for a show which from this point of view is looking potentially “disasterous”, I find myself once again questioning.  That ever present question – “is it time to quit?”  And as the years have progressed, I seem to have been gathering evidence for “yes”.  I guess it’s simply a matter of time until those reasons outweigh the one that has kept me going – that being “out and about” is better for my “health and well being” than to remain “home alone” in this small space.  It is beginning to feel like the wear and tear on my aging body is overcoming the “ego perks”. 😦

And then there is this – I can not continue to be a kind of “traveling museum”.  That is, displaying a skill that was once ‘honored’, so to speak, and valued.  Handwork, like clocks with hands, is becoming extinct in terms of a skill anyone wants to learn – let alone master. And while the ‘oohs & ahhs’ feel good, they don’t pay the bills, so to speak(again^_^).  And, as we all know, everything required to produce a product and get it to a location, and into a space – all of those “expenses” have gone way up.  While “income” has continued to decline.

And that leaves the issue of ‘intent’ – why am I doing this in the first place??  Yes, I certainly need to make money!  As noted above – there are those built in expenses.  There are also the what would be called ‘overhead’ expenses, except in this case – it includes ‘living’ expenses!!  So, there is that.  However, there has always been the joy of creating and sharing.  I have refused to do things/designs just because they would sell – so to speak. (again)^_^  I have only done what has called to me – my favorite flowers, etc.  And, until recently, only using hand, needleturn applique’!  Yes, there are those two new patterns!  They are done with machine applique’.  And you might be thinking – well, then, why not just go in that direction?  And I can only say – because that would not be being true to me.  It would feel like ‘doing it for the money’ – and then it would truly become a “JOB”!  It’s hard work and hard enough to do ‘for the love of it’!!

And there you have it – my unanswered question.

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After reading the Daily Guide that I use, I feel moved to write –

It seems the the 4 of us (myself and siblings) were ‘conditioned’ to sadness (@ best! and perhaps even to some degree, misery?).  And so, the overall state of mind that became comfortable and “safe” (to OUR mind) is some degree/level of UN-happiness.  And given the purpose of the mind is ‘survival’ and it sees any change/deviation from its established and accepted “status quo” as a threat (to its  survival), ANY and ALL moments of “joy and happiness” in ANY form (eg: success of any kind) must be somehow squelched and/or ‘punished’ – whatever it takes to return to its accepted “status quo” = “safety”= survival.

It is my ego/mind/programming that I am allowing to ‘run my life’ and its goal is its own survival and to hell with me – literally!!  For its concept of life is a kind of ‘living hell’!  Hah!!  Perhaps that is the true definition of “hell” – the life your ego mind gives you!  And Heaven is the Life given by God or your authentic, higher Self!!  ^_^

As a side note here – what the hell happened to the ‘underline’ option????  grrrr

 

 

I see the twinkle in your eye!  Yes, it IS ok, it IS safe to be happy and to have what you want – not bad & wrong, not selfish & self-centered – Safe & Right, God’s plan for us!! ALL of us! We were created in order for God to express and experience all of Its amazingness. ^_^  Placed within an infinite playgound filled with any & everything we could imagine.  And, in order to be able to distinguish all the good, there had to be a “background” of ‘not that’.  And we had to have the freedom to choose.  And, somehow we got lost and ‘distracted’ – our thinking and believing human wandered off into the dark, and the shadows became monsters and we kept running away from the Light – and here we are – we have turned around and are headed home!  Back to the Light and Love!!

I am grateful to know – I am a Child of God, I am God sent out to play, safe & free in God’s Infinite Playspace.

And so it is!!!

I believe there is only Good in the Universe. I believe the apparent lack of such, or apparent ‘bad, evil, wrong, etc’ is simply the result of limited perspective; ie: our inability and/or unwillingness to see ‘the bigger picture’ and/or expand our thinking.  A caterpillar stuck in the thinking and believing of a caterpillar would surely panic upon emerging from the cocoon and perhaps say “WTF, how can I even move with these big, heavy, wet things attached to my body?!”  Then, upon choosing to do what it can with what it has been ‘given’, decides to at least let those things dry so as to decrease the weight – and voila`.  ^_^

As for us humans – we are constantly being shown the results of our ‘false beliefs and wrong thinking’, but instead of taking a moment to see what good can come, we choose to make what is showing up out there ‘wrong’ and assume the role of victim.  If we were caterpillars, we would probably die of starvation because our ‘habitual and wrong’ thinking would have us remain victims and never even think of some way to make ‘good’ use of what we’d been given.

We as a Nation (and probably the World & species) have recently been given a very clear picture of what our limited, erroneous and ‘wrong’ thinking and believing has created.  We have for decades kept it hidden, or at least ignored.  Now we have been given an opportunity to heal – our ugly ‘under-belly’ has been exposed, to us and to the world.  The next four years could be very difficult and even painful for most of us.  I am choosing to do my best to take a step back and trust in the bigger picture – to know that you cannot heal what you cannot see and acknowledge. And to do my best, in whatever way I can, to be part of the solution.  To always choose Love and Gratitude.  To be grateful to be shown what needs to heal and to ask “what would Love do?”.  And, yes, probably easier said than done sometimes.  ^_-

First there is the issue of ‘hate and prejudice’ – which is really the ‘fear of other’, anything that isn’t the same as ‘me’ in every way.  And the belief that ‘we’ are RIGHT, which ‘rightness’ gives ‘us’ the right to kill anyone who won’t conform/agree with ‘me’.  And that belief has kept us locked in the cycle of wars and ‘skirmishes’ (from neighborhoods to nations)  for all of time till now.  Think on the words of the great MLK Jr!!!

And it isn’t just the hate and prejudice – there is also the greed and selfishness that has led to the few very rich and the many struggling to survive.  And the preoccupation with having more and more stuff.  The false thinking and believing in ‘things’ as the source of our happiness.             [ Spend 15 minutes watching tv! ]  And within that, the belief that there is not enough, that if ‘you’ get, it means that ‘I’ don’t.  And that it’s a ‘dog eat dog’ world – so if I am bigger and stronger than you, it’s ok for me to take from you forceably and/or illegally.

As one in my ‘elder years’, I don’t know if I will be here on Earth to see ‘what comes of this’.  I’m just doing my best to make it as ‘good’ as possible for my grandkids!  And I know they are already light years ahead of me!  ^_^

This is a scary blog to write and share.  It poured out onto the journal pages after I had actually closed, when I normally do my list of gratitudes.  I found myself in tears as I thought about all that is going on in this country – feeling helpless and hopeless, I asked the scary question – “what can I do?”  I am sharing only because it feels ‘right’ as well as scary – then again, perhaps no one will even actually read it and there won’t be anyone to laugh at my stupidity/silliness??  I guess I’ll just do it for myself.

Why am I here?  What am I to do? What did I come here to accomplish/contribute?  What purpose?  Most of the time (these days) I feel old and useless as well as ‘helpless’.  And I am as guilty as those who are “filthy rich” – as preoccupied with money – just from a different ‘angle’.  While I’m not in the very basic survival group, I feel just one step away and thus spend my days trying to “maintain” and in fear of not!  And of becoming “homeless”. 

It occurred to me the other day that we as a Nation (and maybe the World?) are in the middle of a “Scrooge-type Nightmare” – we are being shown how our preoccupation with money and its perceived power has manifested – what we have created – a very negatively energized World – greed, selfishness, fear, anger and hatred prevail.  The things we thought, as a Nation, we had healed and/or overcome have been festering underground, being fed by our preoccupation with money – that which generates all those negative feelings and actions.  We lost sight of everything Real (even Love) as we became hypnotized by the glitz and glamour – all the smoke and mirrors have led us so far down the path of “evil” – can we ever find our way back?  Right now a large number of us are being led like lemmings to the edge of the World as we know it and into a very dark and painful abyss.  And unlike Scrooge, we can’t seem to see the truth of where we’re headed.  From my perspective, it seems the very people who believe trump to be their ‘savior’ will be the first ones into the abyss.  They will be discarded now, no longer of any use to those who have gained their positions of perceived power.  And while those of us in the ‘middle’ may survive – life could be increasingly difficult and painful.  And if you are not a relatively well-off, white (Protestant??) male – you may find yourself living in some level of fear and misery constantly.  That is our current collective “Christmas Future”.  I pray we don’t have to live it to “get it”!

While I want to feel encouraged by all the more “positive” and “good” incidents, events, programs etc – it is a conscious struggle some days to not get sucked in and pulled down into the dark tunnel of despair and hopelessness/helplessness – to NOT listen to the voice of negativity that tells me I am just a stupid old lady – useless and powerless.  So, for that reason, I am posting this blog in spite of that voice.  I just might be the 100th monkey needed to inspire the 100th monkey of those who can and will make that difference!!

So if you are laughing after reading this – at the silly old lady – please, this time, practice some kindness and consideration and don’t tell me.  Thanks

Amen

Again from my journal, and there were some additional sentences just before this one with which I shall begin this writing – personal and not necessary for what I’m trying to express.

Ego is like that, the need to “be right” = survival (ultimately) and everything that changes is a threat to “survival”.  And the Nature of Life IS change.  Talk about living in a paradox!  We humans are programmed to fear and thus resist change – no matter how much we say we want and deeply long for same – our unconscious programming will resist at any cost – including our death.  Now that’s scary!

Perhaps that’s the real source of my (low level) ‘holiday depression’ (any and all holidays, not just like those rapidly approaching).  Holidays create  an overall ‘change’, something constantly ‘going on’, not our normal ‘hum’ that allows us to suppress everything so we can remain undisturbed in whatever our ‘normal’ routine.  I think it might be what causes me to feel a little ‘not ok’ the week or so before a show – the impending disruption of my ‘routine’ = mostly doing nothing. 😦  Once again where I am and kinda struggling to DO “other”.  To do some of the things I have constantly poking at me.  Even working on my quilt has become a way of ‘hiding out’ (with justification) and avoiding taking care of myself and my home.  And even tho I know what’s going on, I am struggling to stay out of its control.

Some “spiritual” folks are talking about it, and some of us are doing our best to hear and apply.  Seems very difficult, and I suspect even that thought is part of it.  Perhaps that’s a good place to start – staying conscious of my resistance to change and notice how it shows up.  All the myriad of little, subtle ways it influences my actions each moment.  All my “I don’t wanna” moments.  I can choose to listen to that voice and live with what it provides – a kind of “living death” and then death by inertia as the brain slows and the muscles atrophy with ‘lack of use’ – and soon you really are a ‘walking dead’ (have no idea what that show is about) ^_^

OR, I can adopt the attitude required to ‘eat an elephant’ – one bite/step at a time.  That is what I’ve been doing my best to do these days. Clean and clear even a small space.  Cut more squares for the boys’ quilts.  etc etc  Yes, truly ‘baby steps’ – still better than nothing, I say.  That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!  ^_^

From there the journal ventured into the world scene – but that’s “a whole other story” and one I will tell in the next blog – today or tomorrow???

Yesterday was a very difficult day for me.  The FB posts I read triggered all sorts of negative reactions of fear and dismay.  And all day there were waves of sadness and fear that would just suddenly wash over me, triggering tears and fearful gut feelings.  Not too surprising to have the following words pouring out onto those pages again.  A little surprising that I am being urged to once again share.  Even if no one reads, I have at least added some positive energy to the huge cloud of negativity engulfing our country now – maybe even the World??  So, here goes:

There were some very disturbing posts on FB – people of color being told to “go to the back of the bus” by punks.  Black women being called n____ bitch. etc

  This too shall pass – angry people are prone to nasty ‘knee jerk’ reactions.  Decent folks will step forward and prevail.  In fact – the now much more real and obvious possibility will actually spark an outpouring of Love – more people, more aware of the words and actions of others – and their own automatic/unconscious thoughts, feelings and reactions.  The ugliness of a few will make the majority of us kinder and gentler.  And we will be more mindful of the words and actions of others.  Perhaps now keeping an eye on the young black woman alone ‘over there’; notice any “bully like” activity, any men approaching in an aggressive manner.  We will be looking out for each other and ‘we’ will escort the “inappropriate young men” off the bus!  There are more kind and caring people than “angry” and “WE” will make America kind again.  There is no ‘greatness’ in fear and anger and cruelty.  God Is Great and God Is Love 

And if you feel the need to “protest” – do a ‘sit down’, maybe with a candle, and meditate on Love!  An angry protest only escalates the anger and no one ‘wins’.  Everyone is ‘unsafe’. Very unwise and dangerous.  Hold hands and sing one of those Beatles songs!  Form circles within circles.  Form a line across the whole country!  Imagine!!  I wonder if you can? ^_^  It is time to come together, to truly ‘Love thy neighbor as thy self’.  See no skin coloring.  Ignore clothing or headgear.  No matter language or accents – heart to heart requires no words.  (I got it, God) – those angry young men are fulfilling their life purpose and it is painful to their own souls.  And they are the very catalyst that will spark the flame of Love and Kindness in the rest of us; will awaken our hearts and stir our very souls.  Yes, it is time for those songs to be sung again – maybe now, we can hear??  Imagine!  I wonder if you can.  Imagine – your young daughter is safe – any time of day and anywhere.  Imagine – your elderly parent will be automatically ‘helped’ whenever, where ever and however needed in the moment.  Imagine – your child will be accepted no matter any “disability”!  (And could that end our “need” for ‘disability?)

Yes, we are indeed on the path to/of ‘greatness’ – no guns or maybe even man-written laws will be required.  The only “concealed” is an open heart beating in each chest.  You may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one!!  Just imagine – I wonder if you can.

Amen