Again from my journal, and there were some additional sentences just before this one with which I shall begin this writing – personal and not necessary for what I’m trying to express.
Ego is like that, the need to “be right” = survival (ultimately) and everything that changes is a threat to “survival”. And the Nature of Life IS change. Talk about living in a paradox! We humans are programmed to fear and thus resist change – no matter how much we say we want and deeply long for same – our unconscious programming will resist at any cost – including our death. Now that’s scary!
Perhaps that’s the real source of my (low level) ‘holiday depression’ (any and all holidays, not just like those rapidly approaching). Holidays create an overall ‘change’, something constantly ‘going on’, not our normal ‘hum’ that allows us to suppress everything so we can remain undisturbed in whatever our ‘normal’ routine. I think it might be what causes me to feel a little ‘not ok’ the week or so before a show – the impending disruption of my ‘routine’ = mostly doing nothing. :( Once again where I am and kinda struggling to DO “other”. To do some of the things I have constantly poking at me. Even working on my quilt has become a way of ‘hiding out’ (with justification) and avoiding taking care of myself and my home. And even tho I know what’s going on, I am struggling to stay out of its control.
Some “spiritual” folks are talking about it, and some of us are doing our best to hear and apply. Seems very difficult, and I suspect even that thought is part of it. Perhaps that’s a good place to start – staying conscious of my resistance to change and notice how it shows up. All the myriad of little, subtle ways it influences my actions each moment. All my “I don’t wanna” moments. I can choose to listen to that voice and live with what it provides – a kind of “living death” and then death by inertia as the brain slows and the muscles atrophy with ‘lack of use’ – and soon you really are a ‘walking dead’ (have no idea what that show is about) ^_^
OR, I can adopt the attitude required to ‘eat an elephant’ – one bite/step at a time. That is what I’ve been doing my best to do these days. Clean and clear even a small space. Cut more squares for the boys’ quilts. etc etc Yes, truly ‘baby steps’ – still better than nothing, I say. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it! ^_^
From there the journal ventured into the world scene – but that’s “a whole other story” and one I will tell in the next blog – today or tomorrow???