May 2013

before i got caught on the slippery slope entirely – as in, as i was thinking post-morning journaling – i had the thought that negative thinking is like the rheostat  on the ceiling light.  first it dims your own light as it constricts the flow of energy – and it also constricts the natural flow of all energy in your life – including money, and love, and . . . . . .  abundance never goes away or diminishes – it just can’t get to you.

and having just listened to a talk by panach dasai – i realized that all of my attention and giving was on everyone and everything else with absolute and total DISregard for myself – having been well-trained in the school of how not to be selfish and self-centered!  didn’t want to endanger the flow by keeping/using some of it for myself – don’t cha know!!  and then found myself wanting to ask – WHY???  didn’t i do everything “right”???  didn’t i share and be as unselfish as possible???

and therein lies the problem – i cannot claim to believe i am a (Divine) child of God and then treat myself with total disregard and invalidate my very existence.  i must honor myself and my own divinity and humanness/humanity – as that is (perhaps?) my very purpose in life – to actually be this particular human, living this particular life, on this particular planet, at this particular time – and somehow know it’s all perfect! (despite appearances ^_^)

i find myself amazed at how slippery that downward slope of negative thinking is!!  one little fearful thought and whoosh, down i go like alice in the rabbit hole.  how could that be??  i have been feeling so great and positive and grateful – shows have been very good and there has been a nice cushion in the bank.  and then – today – gone!

yes, i do realize it’s all about cycles and ebb and flow.  i guess my new goal is to work on that – the cycle ‘level’, so to speak!!  nudge it up the scale a bit – not so much to increase the high end, but – to bring the low end up!!  no more scary moments/days/weeks of  “omg, if all of those come in, i’m dead meat!!”  truth is, that hasn’t happened.  does that prevent me from stressing and worrying that it will???  not so far!!  hmmmm  me thinks the solution lies – as always – in my thinking!

and there i am again – right back at “I Am enough”   good words/thoughts to live by! ^_^