have you ever had one of those days – you are going along feeling mighty ok and then, wham!

well, this day seemed more like a kind of double whammy.  the first hit came after i watched a video posted on facebook – yeah, i know, should probably know better by now. ^_^  there wasn’t anything ‘wrong’ with it, just hit me in a ‘tender/unhealed’ spot, i guess. it was of a young woman who had won one of those talent competition shows.  it was the little interview thing prior to her performance that actually got me – when they tell how they got there, so to speak.  she said she had been asked one night to sing along with a folk group and it had gone pretty well.  then said, that before that, she hadn’t even known she could sing.  HUH??  i mean, seriously — for me that’s like saying she didn’t even know she was pregnant and out popped a baby!  and i found myself ‘upset’ – not angry, well, not with her!  but kind of pissed at the Universe, and God, etc!  i mean – she went on to say something like – heck, i may as well try to do this professionally, etc. (she was 18 then, no idea how old at time of video).  and here i am, feeling like my heart has been aching my whole life to ‘be a singer’.

so, spent a little time with all that old crap.  deep into feeling sad and a little sorry for myself.  eventually, i got to the realization that i had had the same kind of heartache around ‘being an artist’. hmmm  and these days – that’s what people think i am.  do i?  sometimes.  for damned sure a lot closer than being a singer!!! ^_^  at this point, i also remembered the ache with regard to playing the piano and/or the guitar. while i already owned and sometimes sort of played a baby grand piano, at some point in my 50’s i decided to give that a try and bought a guitar.  discovered it was really hard to press down those strings sufficiently – oh, and i have to cut off all my fingernails???  uh, don’t think so.  time to admit it – like the daily message thing from nd walsh the other day – “do you really want to __________, or do you just say you do?” hmmm just another clever way to keep yourself a little miserable – just a little?

so, what the heck would that be about?  i mean, i’ve worked very hard for 30+ years to ‘heal’/transform, “whatever” – that old habit and have been pretty successful with giving up ‘being miserable’ – used to just be a way of  life, so to speak.    and then i saw it – it’s still not completely ‘safe’ to be happy or even ‘at peace’.  still a little hooked up with ‘having fun’ – and if i’m having fun, sooner or later i’m going to be punished.  ouch!  so, i guess i keep just a few things handy so i can feel bad now and then and keep from being punished too bad.

the other whammy had to do with my actual ‘work’ – been feeling pretty good all week and being very productive.  have even been stitching a lot – finally getting all the mini designs restocked – both patterns and kits.  and that resulted in my doing a couple new samples – surprising even myself!  i was just doing one, using new fabric i picked up at my local quilt shop yesterday.  was all excited with the fabrics i had chosen to go with it – very pleased i had found something on my own shelves!  and thought they looked really great together.  funny how different things can look when in small pieces and sewn next to each other.  damn!  and that just took the wind right out of my sails – and here i am typing instead of stitching.  and attempting to sort it all out – all the old ‘triggers’, etc.

so, tomorrow i will take that fabric with me when i go visit with myra and hope she has something that will work.  it’s blue that i need and i know neither of us buys much blue.  except for patriotic stuff, seems not to sell so well – no idea why.  and am working on being ok with the ‘life’ choices i’ve made.  i mean, it’s not like i’m sorry about where i am and what i’m doing!  and it is a good example of how having an evenly divided left/right brain can cause some ‘problems’. ^_^  and lately, i actually have been able to sing for myself again.  as for the guitar – not likely.  have often wondered about the electric version – must be easier, with regard to ‘string pressure’????  oh, and there’s still the issue of ‘painting’ – you know, being a “real” artist. ^_^