July 2013

i seem to be in a ‘lesson loop’ lately – and sometimes it doesn’t feel so good. 😦

did you realize that a control freak, that annoying jerk who seems to need to tell you and everyone else what to do and when to do it and and who has to have everything ‘her way’, etc – that she actually has ZERO control over herself??  it took me about a week to notice/realize this after having experienced watching myself be a total jerk with my poor little dog – who somehow just wasn’t conforming to exactly what i wanted – and i had no way of stopping myself, it seemed.  actually, the first part of the lesson was – wow, so this is what it was like for my mother!  no, not that she could see herself being controlling, but that she had no choice – that’s the nature of ‘compulsion’ – perhaps not news to most folks.  it becomes news when it’s your compulsiveness (compulsion??) and you finally get how helpless you are – how totally without control you really are.  hopefully that’s the first step toward loosening its grip – to be able to observe it in action, put some distance between you and your actions.  the second part was to fully acknowledge that i was ‘being my mother’ – that i was also a controlling person.  ugh!  ok, i’ve joked about it, so it wasn’t a total surprise – still, when you see it from a different perspective – well, it sure does look different!!

and then there was today.  as i walked away from a wonderful breakfast with my niece and nephew (whom i hadn’t seen in years) all i could do was shake my head and ask “why did you do that??  why did you drag all your current negative crap out and wave it about – you, who pretends to be ‘ms positive’ – yeah, right!!  ugly!  and i had to also see the truth of “it’s only a mirror” – again.  all those phone calls with my brother and as i listened to his tales of woe, my self-righteous self saying “when is he going to get it?  if he keeps talking negative like this he’s only going to get more of the same.etc etc etc”   uh, helloooo!!!  and i wonder how come things aren’t “turning around quickly” given how ‘positive’ i’m being.  hah!  just how many times have i now told my current ‘tale of woe’???  yes, there are ‘facts’ – and continuing to talk about them, and look for opportunities to ‘tell your story’ is NOT the path toward ‘something different showing up’!!  i just keep putting my order in for more of the same, please.

does that sound like maybe i learned something at breakfast?  hah!!  guess not, as just a little while ago i found myself repeating those same facts while doing the instant msg thing with my sister (mother of my breakfast companions) – huh????  and they were facts she already knew!!  good grief!  and they aren’t even the real source of the deep, deep tears that have been flowing – not even sure what those are about – just know it’s always good to let old pain come up and flow out in tears!!  don’t think you even have to know exactly what it’s about – just let it flow!

anyway, i’ll be glad when it’s time to leave for another show!  sometimes it’s really tough to be locked in a closet with a crazy person!!

i was actually having a bit of a ‘temper tantrum’ in my journal this morning and in the process got myself to an amazing realization!

i don’t know about you, but this whole concept of “acceptance” had me a little confused, to say the least.  i mean, why on earth would i accept what i don’t want??!  and yet – i also know that ‘what i resist persists’ – so, how to resolve that apparent contradiction???  and i saw it – i can NOT change what is, what has already shown up!  i can never change what’s “out there”.  i can only change my own thinking (and believing).  and it is my thinking and believing that has brought what i am experiencing/seeing into my world.

yeah, yeah – i’ve heard all that before and doesn’t seem to have helped much!!  and then i got the perfect metaphor (i think that’s the right word) as i was struggling to find words to describe what i was finally truly feeling/knowing/realizing!!

i am shopping for a new dress (guys use whatever works).  i am in the dressing room waiting, having given the sales girl my ‘wants’.  she brings in a dress and it’s “not right”.  do i begin attempting to alter that dress to make it look like what i said i wanted??? NO  i refine my ‘order’/CHANGE MY ORDER and accept that dress as it is.  does that mean i buy it/make it ‘mine’????  NO, i just LET IT BE and ask again!!!  and i wait patiently, in faith and trust that my request will be delivered onto me!  and if it isn’t quite right again – i change my order to more accurately represent what i authentically want.  pretty damn simple!!

now the other piece is the whole issue of patience.  and i think that involves being willing to trust in Divine Timing – perhaps what i would call God’s Will.  and that is NOT about testing me – i think it has to do with there being a much bigger picture than what is available to these human eyes.  have you noticed that things do show up exactly when needed and often not when you thought they ‘should’?! ^_^

and another piece is the whole issue of ‘wanting’.  do we not realize that the very feeling of ‘wanting’ is a declaration of lack!  and it sends out that energy – the energy of lack and limitation.  and the nature of this Universe is that it can only reflect what it is given – every farmer knows he will not harvest corn if he has planted wheat.  i cannot expect abundance from seeds of lack!!  so, how do we think about ‘what we want’ without generating feelings of lack?  my current thoughts are if i can stay in gratitude for what i already have – and for most of us, that is a lot!  and i can create pictures of what else might be possible – what exciting new things could be waiting for me – or pretend i’m on a treasure hunt and watch and listen for the clues, etc.  and above all else – stay conscious about where i am energy-wise and do my best to stay in love and gratitude!!!  it is I who has everything to say about what i think and how i feel – always!!  and that makes me the creator of my own life and everything in it.  i am NOT a victim.  i am a powerful creator who often forgets her own power and ends up like Mickey,  with the waves of life crashing down upon me!!

so, what does it mean when you say you “let go and let God”?  what does that look like?

it looks like patience!!  practicing patience!!  and what does that look like??  well, perhaps it’s preceded by Faith and Trust??  for sure it doesn’t look like dropping what you are doing every time the cellphone makes that sound – you know, the incoming email sound! ( i mean, because it just might be an order, don’t cha know – given i made my request for same.)   and your prayers probably don’t sound like the guy in the train station announcing departure times.  and it probably feels like peace and calm – not that raging storm going on in your gut!  and you probably don’t go around feeling like the vulture in that cartoon!! ^_^

all of that and more prompted by the realization that my current lull in income is a lesson in patience – not evidence that i have somehow, once again, failed!  and, once again, it seems – once i have made some kind of ‘declaration’, the Universe says “really?  let’s just see if you are speaking authentically”  so, if i declare i am living in faith and trust – i’d best be prepared to be ‘tested’, so to speak. ^_^  walk my talk indeed!  (hmm, a lot of once’s)

you’d think someone who does hand applique for a ‘living’ would be well trained in the art of patience!  at least that’s what those who walk into my booth think – hah, little do they know!  patience and control freak are definitely mutually exclusive!!!  and walking my little blind dog each morning gives me an ‘in your face’ opportunity to choose between those two in nearly every moment of the walk!!  i have been only marginally successful!  it’s amazing how agitated i can feel while waiting for her to choose to move again.  and then get her pointed in the right direction once she does!!  this morning was kind of funny – we were back here – at least in the driveway area up there – and she had once again stopped – i mean she doesn’t move a muscle and is usually looking away from the direction in which we had been going!  and i was forcing myself to let her be – and then – she just laid down!!  good grief!!!  ^_^ yes, she is ok – i did not have a hissy fit! ^_^  progress!!

and now i have managed to stay here typing thru a couple of ‘swishes’ on the cellphone – progress!! ^_^

was going to just do this on facebook, then realized that would look more like i’m asking for sympathy.  not so – am hoping something of what i’m about to write will ‘help’ someone else.  this isn’t about a tragedy or some sort of major ‘life-altering’ lesson – it’s just about learning to listen to the ongoing guidance always there.

there are 2 different episodes – tho they showed up a little ‘entangled’.  one is with sophie, my dog.  the other with the van – my means of getting to the shows where i ‘make my living’, so to speak.

so, sophie has diabetes – a fairly recent happening, and something that requires 2 shots each day, at a specific interval.  and that means, i must remember – me, who can’t even remember to eat lunch!!  it has been an ongoing struggle, so to speak, with more than one misstep!!

we were at a show in oregon last weekend, and staying in a motel room.  now, i have kind of set up a ‘routine’ and various checks and reminders here – and things are pretty tight in the van, so easier to remember.  not so much in a motel room – with a roommate – after a terrible show – tired, hungry and distracted, etc.  so, after being awakened every 3 hours sunday night because she had to pee – and then drink nearly the whole bowl each time we came back in – it finally dawned on me, as we were walking the next morning!  and try as i might, i could not remember having done one thing that was the clue to the fact that i had forgotten the injection.  she actually recovered from that perfectly and by tues morning was obviously feeling quite well.

on wed afternoon, as i was telling a friend about it – she said “when i had to do that for my dad, i set the alarm on my cellphone”.  now do you think i took heed of that gentle guidance??  oh no – ego stepped right up and gave its 110 reasons how we had it handled here and another 50 excuses howcome we had forgotten there.  and guess what happened – i apparently forgot that very evening.  i say apparently cause i still don’t remember forgetting!!!  in fact, kept seeing something in my head that assured me i hadn’t!!  but – there i was again – up every 3 hours wed night!  and even worse, she didn’t really want to eat thurs morning – and when sophie doesn’t eat, there is definitely a problem!!  so, after  an expensive vet visit – i’ve now been assured 1) she is ok, it’s just the high sugar level and 2) yes, i did forget as nothing else would cause a spike like this given all the test results.  damn!!

the second lesson involves the van.  when i went out to leave for the vet – van would not start!!  won’t include all the other details about that – not relevant to the ‘lesson’, per se.

after handling the vet thing and arranging the tow truck – i called the vendor chair at the show.  left message and wasn’t able to talk with her till later – when i knew it was at least possible the van could be repaired the next day – however, i chose to ignore that and got locked into “i can’t go”.  could not hear her as she said “if there’s any way you can get here ‘later’, we will work with you.  we really want you here”.  and all i could say was – can’t.  today i realized i just needed to arrive there about 3 hours before the show opened this morning!!  could have managed getting setup – probably would have had help, etc.  but not until i found out the van had been fixed did that dawn on me!!

so, what does any of this have to do with anyone reading this??  what i believe is that we are all gently guided all the time and 99% of the time we just don’t hear or refuse to listen.  we often are stuck in that it has to be ‘our way’, or ‘oh, i already know that’, or ‘i have it handled, my way’ – etc.  we fail to see the infinite possibilities in each and every moment – some of which just might be ‘a better/easier’ way.  sometimes we just don’t want the messenger to be ‘right’.  sometimes we don’t want to look stupid.  sometimes it looks like giving up ‘control’ – and for us ‘control freaks’ that can be nearly impossible.  if we can learn to be more fully ‘in the moment’ and open to receive – perhaps “all will be provided”?????  and that includes some gentle guidance!  just listen!!

and so here i sit – hopefully a little wiser??  for sure a lot poorer financially, between dollars spent and those not earned. 😦  and therein lies a whole other conversation about faith and trust!!!  ^_^