i seem to be in a ‘lesson loop’ lately – and sometimes it doesn’t feel so good. 😦

did you realize that a control freak, that annoying jerk who seems to need to tell you and everyone else what to do and when to do it and and who has to have everything ‘her way’, etc – that she actually has ZERO control over herself??  it took me about a week to notice/realize this after having experienced watching myself be a total jerk with my poor little dog – who somehow just wasn’t conforming to exactly what i wanted – and i had no way of stopping myself, it seemed.  actually, the first part of the lesson was – wow, so this is what it was like for my mother!  no, not that she could see herself being controlling, but that she had no choice – that’s the nature of ‘compulsion’ – perhaps not news to most folks.  it becomes news when it’s your compulsiveness (compulsion??) and you finally get how helpless you are – how totally without control you really are.  hopefully that’s the first step toward loosening its grip – to be able to observe it in action, put some distance between you and your actions.  the second part was to fully acknowledge that i was ‘being my mother’ – that i was also a controlling person.  ugh!  ok, i’ve joked about it, so it wasn’t a total surprise – still, when you see it from a different perspective – well, it sure does look different!!

and then there was today.  as i walked away from a wonderful breakfast with my niece and nephew (whom i hadn’t seen in years) all i could do was shake my head and ask “why did you do that??  why did you drag all your current negative crap out and wave it about – you, who pretends to be ‘ms positive’ – yeah, right!!  ugly!  and i had to also see the truth of “it’s only a mirror” – again.  all those phone calls with my brother and as i listened to his tales of woe, my self-righteous self saying “when is he going to get it?  if he keeps talking negative like this he’s only going to get more of the same.etc etc etc”   uh, helloooo!!!  and i wonder how come things aren’t “turning around quickly” given how ‘positive’ i’m being.  hah!  just how many times have i now told my current ‘tale of woe’???  yes, there are ‘facts’ – and continuing to talk about them, and look for opportunities to ‘tell your story’ is NOT the path toward ‘something different showing up’!!  i just keep putting my order in for more of the same, please.

does that sound like maybe i learned something at breakfast?  hah!!  guess not, as just a little while ago i found myself repeating those same facts while doing the instant msg thing with my sister (mother of my breakfast companions) – huh????  and they were facts she already knew!!  good grief!  and they aren’t even the real source of the deep, deep tears that have been flowing – not even sure what those are about – just know it’s always good to let old pain come up and flow out in tears!!  don’t think you even have to know exactly what it’s about – just let it flow!

anyway, i’ll be glad when it’s time to leave for another show!  sometimes it’s really tough to be locked in a closet with a crazy person!!