August 2014

just posting for fun – the first stage of the next 5 hopefuls.

5 more







could be a while before these are complete.  to see ones totally completed and for sale go to


the other day i had this thought – how is it i continue to think i’m in charge here “as my body” when the blatant truth is – i have NO idea how or why my heart beats.  nor can i stop myself from breathing even if i try – short of destroying the whole body, that is.  there is obviously something or someone else!  somehow we think that because we have now invented machines that can ‘keep us alive’ (truth is, i think, they may keep the body functioning – not sure you can call the result ‘living’??? ) that we no longer need the idea of a God or something greater than us – we got it handled.

the result of that kind of thinking lies before our very eyes – the condition of our world and how we are destroying this beautiful planet and ourselves.  but – to keep it at a very personal level – i had to accept that there is more to “me” than this physical body.  and i noticed that the parts i didn’t have control over seemed to work perfectly – and where i decided i was in charge – not so much.  mostly because i have pretty much depended on a faulty operating system rather than actually authentically thinking and choosing – in the moment – you know, like Be Here Now.

it seems to me that in those so called ‘formative years’ we build the software program/operating system that will then run the show for us while we sleep walk thru our adult lives.  and, like the computer, it’s “garbage in/garbage out”.  we choose what goes in based on the words and actions of those around us – the ones who must know. right?  i mean, they’re big and wise cause they’ve been here ‘forever’.  little do we know how dysfunctional the world around is!

and then one day we decide to take charge and tell the computer to do something – hah!  like Hal it kind of says (in that awful creepy voice)  “I’m sorry Dave, I can’t do that.”  and, unlike Dave,   perhaps we say “oh, ok – sorry” and give into the fear of failure, etc. BUT  if we are persistent, one day we get to “I’m mad as hell and i’m not going to take it anymore!” and we begin the process of taking back our power.

and that is where i have been for about 35 years now.  obviously it is not an easy task!  but OH SO WORTH IT!!!  i have gotten ‘professional’ help, have read (a lot), taken classes and seminars(a lot), meditated and journaled – and spent a lot of time alone.

this morning i had a kind of realization about this current life – based on something i had kind of joked about with regard to  what /who i may have been in a past life.  i could see how this life was essentially exactly the same!  yes, very different times and apparent circumstances – but the lack of freedom and fear of punishment – the same!!  i also saw that where i am now, in this lifetime, there is no reason for any of that fear – that i am truly free!!!!  it feels like a completion and i can actually feel it when i declare :                    I Am Free,  I Am Safe

How Divine ^_^

for anyone who has recently chosen to follow me – this is not a blog like i have been doing lately.  my original intent in creating this blog was to promote my business. ^_^  as one might get from the name i chose.  however – this one also has nothing to do with applique – just wanted to share the latest additions to the other work i have been doing – beading.

as the title indicates, these are not quite finished pieces.  they are in terms of what is meant to be seen – they just aren’t ‘pins’ yet.  thus all the extra backing fabric is still showing – all of that will be gone and there will be a stiff back piece that holds the actual pin so you can wear it.

new bluenew pink-purpleblue white beads












I have 4 more in process(collars only) and a 5th waiting for its ‘collar’ – the beads that go around the cabochon and help to hold it on – at least that’s the theory.  Mine are well glued, I think/hope!

You can never dream bigger than you deserve or even what is possible; your dreams are messages from God to let you know what’s available for you if you can open yourself enough to allow.

something to ponder ^_^

So – fear is the underlying cause of the anger/rage –  fear (of being out of control) because???  If I am out of control I shall die!

How you survive is – you stay ‘in control’ = everyone and everything performs exactly as you ask/require (for whatever reason).  If anything or anyone does anything you don’t like or want – it means you have lost some control and at some level that is ‘life-threatening’.  Whose life?  My True self knows I cannot die.  My false self(ego?) can only survive if fed  negative energy.  And it is the early programming – the deductive reasoning that said: “they” are in control of me; “they” have stayed alive for a long time (from a child’s perspective); ah, therefore – to stay alive I must be in control of everything and everyone around me.

I guess the less loving your childhood and the more ‘disciplined’ and confined/controlled you were, the more controlling you will become.  If you had very little freedom to express,  you cannot, then, allow others in your (adult) life to have that kind of freedom either.  For me – all emotional expression was limited – no matter “good or bad” = happy, sad, angry, etc – minimum to zero expression allowed.  Childrens’ joy is often loud and boisterous – no, no, keep it down!!  No tears – don’t act like a baby!  Anger? hah!  Dont’ even look angry!  “Don’t you look at me that way!””Wipe that look off your face or I’ll smack it off!”  Don’t laugh too loud, don’t cry and don’t even look upset or angry.  Don’t run or walk too fast, do not hop, skip or jump, do not ‘dance around’ like that.  And don’t even think about “talking back”! OUCH!!

Is it any wonder??!!

So – how do I heal all that??What kind of healing ‘exorcism’ is there to diffuse the rage and calm the underlying fear?  I have heard/read that the ‘light’ of awareness shall heal.  Doesn’t seem to be working. ???  I still feel the rage and must consciously hold it at bay.  What does it take to eliminate it??  I fear Sophie (my little blind elderly dog who is currently attempting to show me all of this so I can heal) can feel that energy even if I don’t act it out – hard to have an authentic gentle touch when every cell feels charged with high voltage negative energy.  And that makes her even less ‘controllable’ because she is ‘afraid’ – and when she doesn’t ‘do/act’ the way I ‘want – well, you get the picture!   There should be a 12 step program!  CFA

I wonder – do non-CF’s know what it’s like to keep really terrifyingly scary thoughts/emotions ‘under control’?To keep yourself from acting out and causing actual physical harm to your pet, child or partner?  Or, worse yet, to lose that battle – to even a small degree.  Once the rage has passed (actually, almost immediately after the action), you are then gripped by gut wrenching remorse, guilt and shame that then threaten your own ‘safety’ – all of which becomes unbearable (if you succeed in not doing yourself in) and thus gets transformed to more anger that is usually directed toward that which you see as the cause of your ‘feeling bad’ = the pet, person or thing ‘out there’ – and round and round we go.  Each day a struggle.  Each day some progress??  ok, i guess it hasn’t gotten any worse and i’ll call that ‘progress’. ^_^  And I have not harmed either of my pets, by the way – close sometimes. 😦

What if our coming here to Earth is a choice in every sense of that word? And what if, the choosing looks like choosing what we are willing to contribute in our time here. And to accomplish that, we are shown and choose the perfect woman to birth us – the one whose circumstances fit perfectly with our chosen ‘purpose = contribution to healing” – whether it’s the “Brady Bunch” kind of life or she ends up tossing our infant body into a dumpster.

Wouldn’t that mean that whatever the ‘shit’ we are currently experiencing – or ever have experienced – is and always has been perfect? In the purest sense of that word. Now, I’m not saying our lives are narrowly carved in stone – I mean “there must be 50 ways to leave a lover” ^_^   And more seriously – there are likely infinite paths to walk with infinite choices in each moment – and all still perfectly consistent/in alignment with our chosen purpose.

And wouldn’t that just knock the whole victim routine right out of the picture, ballpark, water, etc!!! ok, I guess you could somehow consciously choose to be a victim – but then, are you really?? Isn’t that more like ‘ informed consent’?

I guess what I’m getting at is – even if I am still wondering and thinking I just can’t seem to find out what my ‘Soul’s Purpose” is exactly – perhaps it doesn’t really matter. If I came from Knowing that whatever is showing up is ‘perfect’ – that is, exactly what I need to fulfill my purpose, then maybe I could do less whining and complaining and suffering and spend my time and energy looking for the ‘gift’ hidden within each circumstance, event, experience, moment. The gift I am giving!!!

Yes, I too have heard those words a ‘million’ times – that everything is perfect and there’s always a hidden gift, etc. And yet – accepting the idea/possibility stated in the opening paragraph above – fully getting and accepting my responsibility in the matter – that it is all consistent with what I absolutely chose, and my choosing is evidenced by the fact of my very existence on this Earth – well, those words have a whole new feeling for me. Am I there – have I stepped over that magical line – not so sure. ^_^ But at least I’m thinkin’ about it. At least there now exists a whole new possibility. I am very certain I shall look at my life (events) differently, with a different kind of questioning – that “why is this happening to me” question will have a whole new meaning! No longer coming from “poor me”. Perhaps  a more authentic “why” or “what is this about” – ah, I will Know what it is ‘about’ – so is the question then “how is this contributing – to me, to my purpose, to the World”??? oh, and “what is this asking of me?”

I shall call that enough for today. I have a life waiting for me – time to sew on a button for a granddaughter – actually, going to teach her how instead. ^_^

or more accurately – ‘control freak’

now that’s a term i have been identified with for most of my adult life – one of those things people around you ‘joke’ about.  well, one thing i have learned – it is no laughing matter!  not to the one ‘in the grip’ of the need to be ‘in control’.

by now, most everyone has heard that the true source of anger is fear.  and it’s easy to talk about the ‘fear of being out of control’ – however that shows up for an individual – all based on those early and formative years, etc.  however – what i haven’t heard talked about is how that fear actually manifests in real life – and here is my personal experience:

what i have noticed is that it does not show up as fear – it shows up more like an internal rage.  the kind that takes over and has you do things totally against your true nature – like kick your cat, beat your dog or your kids, have an angered reaction that you can not even consciously remember and only know about because of the people you have hurt with your words or actions.  i believe it is the source of what we’ve come to call ‘road rage’, and can drive someone to the point of shooting and/or killing another person – perhaps because they cut you off in traffic??!

and while we joke – let me tell you – it isn’t funny in here.  it is very painful.  and i have come to understand that my aging and blind little dog has come to teach me/help me heal my own compulsive need to control.  and it is hard.  some days i don’t do as well as others, and after i have been less than ‘wonderful’ with her, i then must deal with the pain of that.  it is hard.  and even when i succeed in controlling my actions – there are still the raging feelings all thru my body.  it is hard.  it’s almost like being electrically shocked all thru every cell of my body. (i imagine)  it is hard.  there is an enraged something in there that really wants to do whatever it takes to make her do what i say and when i say it – and when she doesn’t, wants to act out the rage in ways i don’t even want to write!  it feels hard to control sometimes.  scary hard.  i can actually understand how people do terrible things to each other – like the whole ‘road rage’ thing.  IT IS HARD even when you are consciously aware of what is going on inside!!!

i am thankful that i have healed enough to at least be able to observe and not be fully ‘hooked’ – that, i know, is the first step in healing anything.  you can’t ‘fix’ what you don’t know is there.  and i pray for Divine Guidance every day – for myself and for all who are in pain of any kind.

onward & upward

today i have discovered an unexpected pitfall of participating in facebook.  little did i imagine that by ‘friending’ someone from ‘way back then’ – especially someone who was actually a friend of my then teenage son – that i would end up with the feelings i am currently experiencing.

and so, i say – fair warning – the most innocent connection from your past can end up excavating something(s) you were sure you had buried so deep that no one could ever bring it/them back into the light.

now the fact that i tend to live from ‘no mistakes’, led me to suspect that a nugget had just been uncovered. ^_^    it’s just that the true experience of ‘no mistakes’ sometimes takes a little (often painful) time to kick in.  so, after getting thru some of that initial ‘pain, etc’ it became crystal clear to me that what happened way back then was key to my being where i am now – all of my current life and the people in it.  sometimes i think my life would be a fascinating read – then again, at best, probably only to someone down the line related. ^_^  so, not to worry – doubt it will ever happen. ^_^

i shall continue to examine the nugget.


“No revolution of outer circumstances is possible without first a revolution in one’s inner way of being.”  I Ching

today’s insights came after exchanging text messages with my sister and they feel ‘life-altering’ for me!  if something moves you to tears it might be good to check into it a bit. ^_^

so here’s what i then wrote in my journal:

maybe i write about being an only child as the eldest of 4 children?  we shall see.  ah – it’s the ‘safety’ thing – being alone the only safe place in childhood – so of course “a loner” my chosen identity – despite outward appearances called ‘relationship and marriage(s)’.  and if you are a loner, you must be an only child – despite the ‘appearance’ of blood related siblings.  and as fate would have it, i was given the opportunity to become the “legal guardian” of the 2 youngest of the 3.  and they then, just kind of slipped into the group called “stepkids” at some unconscious level.

as for the one in between – well, you know how that works – psychology 101 – especially after 7 years of having received only “bare-minimum” with regard to attention & caring!  Certainly not enough to share!!  And then he proceeded to destroy lots of my beloved ‘stuff’ and at some point i even had to share my precious safe haven with him – my room!!!

and shortly thereafter entered ‘stepfather’ – ah, but that’s a whole other story.  and, yes, the last 2 siblings are ‘half-blood’ and thus even easier to not let fully in as siblings.  and with the big age difference i was also forced to be like a part time ‘nanny’ as a teen.  a lot of childhood pain and programming = i’m only safe when alone = i am a loner = i am an only child – and an unwanted one, unlike the rest of them!  and that brings me back to my fundamental ‘flaw’ – i was born a girl!!  yep – another ‘whole other story’. ^_^

and today i was asked to be a sister and to have a sister – stepping into uncharted waters here.  it is time.  i am ready.