“No revolution of outer circumstances is possible without first a revolution in one’s inner way of being.” I Ching
today’s insights came after exchanging text messages with my sister and they feel ‘life-altering’ for me! if something moves you to tears it might be good to check into it a bit. ^_^
so here’s what i then wrote in my journal:
maybe i write about being an only child as the eldest of 4 children? we shall see. ah – it’s the ‘safety’ thing – being alone the only safe place in childhood – so of course “a loner” my chosen identity – despite outward appearances called ‘relationship and marriage(s)’. and if you are a loner, you must be an only child – despite the ‘appearance’ of blood related siblings. and as fate would have it, i was given the opportunity to become the “legal guardian” of the 2 youngest of the 3. and they then, just kind of slipped into the group called “stepkids” at some unconscious level.
as for the one in between – well, you know how that works – psychology 101 – especially after 7 years of having received only “bare-minimum” with regard to attention & caring! Certainly not enough to share!! And then he proceeded to destroy lots of my beloved ‘stuff’ and at some point i even had to share my precious safe haven with him – my room!!!
and shortly thereafter entered ‘stepfather’ – ah, but that’s a whole other story. and, yes, the last 2 siblings are ‘half-blood’ and thus even easier to not let fully in as siblings. and with the big age difference i was also forced to be like a part time ‘nanny’ as a teen. a lot of childhood pain and programming = i’m only safe when alone = i am a loner = i am an only child – and an unwanted one, unlike the rest of them! and that brings me back to my fundamental ‘flaw’ – i was born a girl!! yep – another ‘whole other story’. ^_^
and today i was asked to be a sister and to have a sister – stepping into uncharted waters here. it is time. i am ready.
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