“No revolution of outer circumstances is possible without first a revolution in one’s inner way of being.”  I Ching

today’s insights came after exchanging text messages with my sister and they feel ‘life-altering’ for me!  if something moves you to tears it might be good to check into it a bit. ^_^

so here’s what i then wrote in my journal:

maybe i write about being an only child as the eldest of 4 children?  we shall see.  ah – it’s the ‘safety’ thing – being alone the only safe place in childhood – so of course “a loner” my chosen identity – despite outward appearances called ‘relationship and marriage(s)’.  and if you are a loner, you must be an only child – despite the ‘appearance’ of blood related siblings.  and as fate would have it, i was given the opportunity to become the “legal guardian” of the 2 youngest of the 3.  and they then, just kind of slipped into the group called “stepkids” at some unconscious level.

as for the one in between – well, you know how that works – psychology 101 – especially after 7 years of having received only “bare-minimum” with regard to attention & caring!  Certainly not enough to share!!  And then he proceeded to destroy lots of my beloved ‘stuff’ and at some point i even had to share my precious safe haven with him – my room!!!

and shortly thereafter entered ‘stepfather’ – ah, but that’s a whole other story.  and, yes, the last 2 siblings are ‘half-blood’ and thus even easier to not let fully in as siblings.  and with the big age difference i was also forced to be like a part time ‘nanny’ as a teen.  a lot of childhood pain and programming = i’m only safe when alone = i am a loner = i am an only child – and an unwanted one, unlike the rest of them!  and that brings me back to my fundamental ‘flaw’ – i was born a girl!!  yep – another ‘whole other story’. ^_^

and today i was asked to be a sister and to have a sister – stepping into uncharted waters here.  it is time.  i am ready.