or more accurately – ‘control freak’

now that’s a term i have been identified with for most of my adult life – one of those things people around you ‘joke’ about.  well, one thing i have learned – it is no laughing matter!  not to the one ‘in the grip’ of the need to be ‘in control’.

by now, most everyone has heard that the true source of anger is fear.  and it’s easy to talk about the ‘fear of being out of control’ – however that shows up for an individual – all based on those early and formative years, etc.  however – what i haven’t heard talked about is how that fear actually manifests in real life – and here is my personal experience:

what i have noticed is that it does not show up as fear – it shows up more like an internal rage.  the kind that takes over and has you do things totally against your true nature – like kick your cat, beat your dog or your kids, have an angered reaction that you can not even consciously remember and only know about because of the people you have hurt with your words or actions.  i believe it is the source of what we’ve come to call ‘road rage’, and can drive someone to the point of shooting and/or killing another person – perhaps because they cut you off in traffic??!

and while we joke – let me tell you – it isn’t funny in here.  it is very painful.  and i have come to understand that my aging and blind little dog has come to teach me/help me heal my own compulsive need to control.  and it is hard.  some days i don’t do as well as others, and after i have been less than ‘wonderful’ with her, i then must deal with the pain of that.  it is hard.  and even when i succeed in controlling my actions – there are still the raging feelings all thru my body.  it is hard.  it’s almost like being electrically shocked all thru every cell of my body. (i imagine)  it is hard.  there is an enraged something in there that really wants to do whatever it takes to make her do what i say and when i say it – and when she doesn’t, wants to act out the rage in ways i don’t even want to write!  it feels hard to control sometimes.  scary hard.  i can actually understand how people do terrible things to each other – like the whole ‘road rage’ thing.  IT IS HARD even when you are consciously aware of what is going on inside!!!

i am thankful that i have healed enough to at least be able to observe and not be fully ‘hooked’ – that, i know, is the first step in healing anything.  you can’t ‘fix’ what you don’t know is there.  and i pray for Divine Guidance every day – for myself and for all who are in pain of any kind.

onward & upward

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