So – fear is the underlying cause of the anger/rage –  fear (of being out of control) because???  If I am out of control I shall die!

How you survive is – you stay ‘in control’ = everyone and everything performs exactly as you ask/require (for whatever reason).  If anything or anyone does anything you don’t like or want – it means you have lost some control and at some level that is ‘life-threatening’.  Whose life?  My True self knows I cannot die.  My false self(ego?) can only survive if fed  negative energy.  And it is the early programming – the deductive reasoning that said: “they” are in control of me; “they” have stayed alive for a long time (from a child’s perspective); ah, therefore – to stay alive I must be in control of everything and everyone around me.

I guess the less loving your childhood and the more ‘disciplined’ and confined/controlled you were, the more controlling you will become.  If you had very little freedom to express,  you cannot, then, allow others in your (adult) life to have that kind of freedom either.  For me – all emotional expression was limited – no matter “good or bad” = happy, sad, angry, etc – minimum to zero expression allowed.  Childrens’ joy is often loud and boisterous – no, no, keep it down!!  No tears – don’t act like a baby!  Anger? hah!  Dont’ even look angry!  “Don’t you look at me that way!””Wipe that look off your face or I’ll smack it off!”  Don’t laugh too loud, don’t cry and don’t even look upset or angry.  Don’t run or walk too fast, do not hop, skip or jump, do not ‘dance around’ like that.  And don’t even think about “talking back”! OUCH!!

Is it any wonder??!!

So – how do I heal all that??What kind of healing ‘exorcism’ is there to diffuse the rage and calm the underlying fear?  I have heard/read that the ‘light’ of awareness shall heal.  Doesn’t seem to be working. ???  I still feel the rage and must consciously hold it at bay.  What does it take to eliminate it??  I fear Sophie (my little blind elderly dog who is currently attempting to show me all of this so I can heal) can feel that energy even if I don’t act it out – hard to have an authentic gentle touch when every cell feels charged with high voltage negative energy.  And that makes her even less ‘controllable’ because she is ‘afraid’ – and when she doesn’t ‘do/act’ the way I ‘want – well, you get the picture!   There should be a 12 step program!  CFA

I wonder – do non-CF’s know what it’s like to keep really terrifyingly scary thoughts/emotions ‘under control’?To keep yourself from acting out and causing actual physical harm to your pet, child or partner?  Or, worse yet, to lose that battle – to even a small degree.  Once the rage has passed (actually, almost immediately after the action), you are then gripped by gut wrenching remorse, guilt and shame that then threaten your own ‘safety’ – all of which becomes unbearable (if you succeed in not doing yourself in) and thus gets transformed to more anger that is usually directed toward that which you see as the cause of your ‘feeling bad’ = the pet, person or thing ‘out there’ – and round and round we go.  Each day a struggle.  Each day some progress??  ok, i guess it hasn’t gotten any worse and i’ll call that ‘progress’. ^_^  And I have not harmed either of my pets, by the way – close sometimes. 😦

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