fair warning:  this one is long.  It was written first thing this morning, as I was about to close my journal.

Just saw something as I was thinking about and wanting to check email – how false self is using everything to feed itself!  I mean I’m using email to pile on more disappointment, more evidence of “lack” – like the only purpose of the website has been to prove how unwanted my work is; to begin my day with evidence of my lack of worth – to show me how silly I am to expect anything ‘good’ that I’ve earned/created or deserved  – can’t seem to find the right words – just know it’s all part of false self at work!  An ‘evil’ game that sets me up to ‘fail’ each day – I check email while pretending to ‘expect good’, but really knowing nothing good coming in and each day my real expectation is fulfilled, as it can be no other way.  The oft forgotten aspect of “free will” is that not even good shall be forced upon you!  And what is ‘heard’ by God/the Universe is not your words – it is the energy you transmit that does the ‘attracting’ = what you receive.  To say “I want ____________” creates nothing.  It is your thoughts, the ones repeated into beliefs that control the creating – that draw unto you their likeness by their command.  I’m not good enough; I don’t deserve; to ask is to be greedy; I might be punished for even asking (a painful memory).  While my conscious mind can say I am a child of God and that it is God’s will to give me “the Kingdom” – my UNconscious mind still rules and it says “NO” to everything beyond its limits!

So how do you transform false beliefs?  I’m still exploring that one!  Clearly just being aware of their existence is not sufficient.  Nor is the added knowledge of how they came to be – how you were treated/regarded as a child; all the things “they” said to you and about you – all the ‘stuff’ you absorbed those first 5-7 years that became your basic operating system (OS) that has allowed you to function and survive till now.  Why is it so difficult to ‘reprogram’?  Once you see what is not working, what is giving you the opposite of what you consciously want – why can’t that false belief just be released/re-written? It has something to do with survival I think.  The purpose of that operating system (let’s call it ego) is to ensure your survival in the physical realm.  Keeps you from placing your hand in a flame or walking in front of a moving bus, etc.  The ego’s OS must be secure and not susceptible to the whims of the conscious mind – life could become pretty chaotic if the rules changed every few seconds, or even days.  I don’t think the ego knows of ‘false’ – it only knows what has worked so far – the evidence that it ‘works’ being that IT is still alive – it has survived and survival is its only goal – has no concern, or even knowledge of good/bad, right/wrong etc – has only one “goal”/reality – survival and at ANY cost.  It is so blind to anything outside what it already knows = HOW it has survived – that it can actually ’cause’ your “death”.  It cannot reason and thus cannot know that if you die it shall be done and gone forever – while you simply change form.

So, again, exactly how might we re-program – release & replace what no longer works (@ best as most of it is just plain false from the beginning).  We must somehow “short circuit” the energy that feeds the ego/false self.  Take advantage of the “use it or lose it” nature of this realm.  Stay awake, listen to our thoughts, observe our reactions (inside & out), and consciously choose ‘anew’.  For me – how many times each day do I think and say “I don’t have any (or enough) money.”?  Especially at this time of year!  While I don’t give a lot of gifts(thanks to those thoughts),  I DO fill the stockings and the number has grown each year!  Including the 3 older kids there were 9 – now there are 12 (and I’m #13)!!  So I spend all of Nov & Dec stuck in “not enough” – on top of the ongoing struggle to keep the business alive (and that whole “not enough”).  And, no, I have no intention of ever not filling those stockings!!! ^_^

And so the quest for answers continues – I read, I listen to ‘talks’, I meditate, I journal.  I have come a long, long way in the 40 years since I consciously began the quest.  And in the words of one of the “teachers” along the way – there is always more East to go!!! ^_^