It has been a long time since I found myself moved to do this – write a blog.  However, having completed my normal morning routine of coffee, journaling, reading and browsing email/FB – I sat for just a moment before getting up to begin the ‘doing’ of the day.  And as my mind kind of reviewed all of the above – it came to rest and ponder one particular area and then I heard that voice – the one that tells me ‘what to do’ and the one I have learned to follow. So, here I am at this keyboard and I shall attempt to type something that may be of value to someone in some small way.

I am a quilter – more specifically, I am a pattern designer and I design patterns for “applique”, which is just one ‘phase’ of quilting. I sell my patterns thru a website and by vending at quilt shows. To become a vendor requires submitting an application, paying for a booth space and then doing the physical labor required to actually set up the booth to display my wares, so to speak.  Sometimes I receive an invitation; sometimes I request an application.  Often I return year after year to the same show(s).  Sometimes I get ‘dropped’ from the list – intentionally or accidentally.  The shows of which I speak are the ones put on by local guilds; all who do the work of producing said show(s) are volunteers -folks who also have ‘real lives’ and responsibilities in addition to their guild ‘job’.  And in most cases the jobs are handed on every year – or every other year.  Lists get lost, etc.

I, like perhaps 99% of us on this planet, continue to struggle with/attempt to heal my very personal issues around ‘self-worth’.  So, attempting to sell something that I have created carries with it the same issues – no big surprise. ^_^  Thus, having to request acceptance into a show (i.e. ‘group’) carries with it all of those challenges around my evaluation of my ‘worth’.  Most of the time this is not a real ‘in my face’ kind of challenge/issue – I’m just acknowledging that it is lurking somewhere in the background. ^_^  As it is each day of the show as I stand in the booth with all my wares on display. It is often a HUGE challenge not to be drawn into the world’s evaluating systems – the ones that judge you based upon all the outer stuff – size, shape, color and bank account.  You know – if I have a great day (read that, ‘take in lots of money’), I am worthwhile.  Don’t think I need to type the alternative.

It’s the money part that brings me to what I really wanted to say.  What I noticed this morning was how lost I had become in the ‘making money’ aspect.  I had lost my passion for what I do – the creating part.  While calling myself an artist is still a carry over struggle from early decisions about myself – let’s just say I AM an artist and that is what I had managed to bury under my apparent need for money.  As every artist knows – if you are not creating from the pure joy of creating, inspiration soon dries up and you find yourself in the desert called lack and limitation, struggle and unhappiness.  And believing that money is the water of life, you will continue to thirst!!  And slowly die.

And so today if feels like I have reclaimed my artist and am ready to create again.  And I looked at a couple of recent interactions with ‘vendor chairs’ – those folks whose job it is to enroll vendors in participating in their show.  For some, it’s more a process of elimination – picking and choosing from the many applications.  For others it can be a struggle to find people to fill the available spaces.  And sometimes they find a vendor they really want and then must enroll them into the possibility their show represents.  As you might suspect – it’s a whole different experience on this side between those who seem to have a ‘surplus’ and those who are coming from an authentic appreciation for what you have to offer.  If I forget who I am and get caught up in the outside evaluations – it’s really easy to be invalidated by an attitude!!  And it gets even worse when I am having my usual financial struggles and don’t even have the booth fee for a show I really want to be a part of.  How embarrassing and shaming it can be.  How nice when there is understanding and a willingness to work out an agreement.  How belittling when not – IF I let it.  As I reviewed the two interactions – one of each – I found myself able to authentically let the one go and to appreciate the other.  And for me – that’s something like a breakthru!! ^_^

And the point of this long blog – where might it be time to let go?  Let go of people and situations where you feel invalidated, or that tend to cater to your perceived lack of worth??  I have been hearing, in the ‘Spiritual arenas’, that 2016 is the year of miracles!  I for one have chosen to run with that and keep a keen eye out for any opportunity to create one in my life!  If you have read all the way to here – perhaps you are also up for that??? ^_^

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