grist for the mill


As I am forcing myself to prepare for a show which from this point of view is looking potentially “disasterous”, I find myself once again questioning.  That ever present question – “is it time to quit?”  And as the years have progressed, I seem to have been gathering evidence for “yes”.  I guess it’s simply a matter of time until those reasons outweigh the one that has kept me going – that being “out and about” is better for my “health and well being” than to remain “home alone” in this small space.  It is beginning to feel like the wear and tear on my aging body is overcoming the “ego perks”. 😦

And then there is this – I can not continue to be a kind of “traveling museum”.  That is, displaying a skill that was once ‘honored’, so to speak, and valued.  Handwork, like clocks with hands, is becoming extinct in terms of a skill anyone wants to learn – let alone master. And while the ‘oohs & ahhs’ feel good, they don’t pay the bills, so to speak(again^_^).  And, as we all know, everything required to produce a product and get it to a location, and into a space – all of those “expenses” have gone way up.  While “income” has continued to decline.

And that leaves the issue of ‘intent’ – why am I doing this in the first place??  Yes, I certainly need to make money!  As noted above – there are those built in expenses.  There are also the what would be called ‘overhead’ expenses, except in this case – it includes ‘living’ expenses!!  So, there is that.  However, there has always been the joy of creating and sharing.  I have refused to do things/designs just because they would sell – so to speak. (again)^_^  I have only done what has called to me – my favorite flowers, etc.  And, until recently, only using hand, needleturn applique’!  Yes, there are those two new patterns!  They are done with machine applique’.  And you might be thinking – well, then, why not just go in that direction?  And I can only say – because that would not be being true to me.  It would feel like ‘doing it for the money’ – and then it would truly become a “JOB”!  It’s hard work and hard enough to do ‘for the love of it’!!

And there you have it – my unanswered question.

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After reading the Daily Guide that I use, I feel moved to write –

It seems the the 4 of us (myself and siblings) were ‘conditioned’ to sadness (@ best! and perhaps even to some degree, misery?).  And so, the overall state of mind that became comfortable and “safe” (to OUR mind) is some degree/level of UN-happiness.  And given the purpose of the mind is ‘survival’ and it sees any change/deviation from its established and accepted “status quo” as a threat (to its  survival), ANY and ALL moments of “joy and happiness” in ANY form (eg: success of any kind) must be somehow squelched and/or ‘punished’ – whatever it takes to return to its accepted “status quo” = “safety”= survival.

It is my ego/mind/programming that I am allowing to ‘run my life’ and its goal is its own survival and to hell with me – literally!!  For its concept of life is a kind of ‘living hell’!  Hah!!  Perhaps that is the true definition of “hell” – the life your ego mind gives you!  And Heaven is the Life given by God or your authentic, higher Self!!  ^_^

As a side note here – what the hell happened to the ‘underline’ option????  grrrr

 

 

Again from my journal, and there were some additional sentences just before this one with which I shall begin this writing – personal and not necessary for what I’m trying to express.

Ego is like that, the need to “be right” = survival (ultimately) and everything that changes is a threat to “survival”.  And the Nature of Life IS change.  Talk about living in a paradox!  We humans are programmed to fear and thus resist change – no matter how much we say we want and deeply long for same – our unconscious programming will resist at any cost – including our death.  Now that’s scary!

Perhaps that’s the real source of my (low level) ‘holiday depression’ (any and all holidays, not just like those rapidly approaching).  Holidays create  an overall ‘change’, something constantly ‘going on’, not our normal ‘hum’ that allows us to suppress everything so we can remain undisturbed in whatever our ‘normal’ routine.  I think it might be what causes me to feel a little ‘not ok’ the week or so before a show – the impending disruption of my ‘routine’ = mostly doing nothing. 😦  Once again where I am and kinda struggling to DO “other”.  To do some of the things I have constantly poking at me.  Even working on my quilt has become a way of ‘hiding out’ (with justification) and avoiding taking care of myself and my home.  And even tho I know what’s going on, I am struggling to stay out of its control.

Some “spiritual” folks are talking about it, and some of us are doing our best to hear and apply.  Seems very difficult, and I suspect even that thought is part of it.  Perhaps that’s a good place to start – staying conscious of my resistance to change and notice how it shows up.  All the myriad of little, subtle ways it influences my actions each moment.  All my “I don’t wanna” moments.  I can choose to listen to that voice and live with what it provides – a kind of “living death” and then death by inertia as the brain slows and the muscles atrophy with ‘lack of use’ – and soon you really are a ‘walking dead’ (have no idea what that show is about) ^_^

OR, I can adopt the attitude required to ‘eat an elephant’ – one bite/step at a time.  That is what I’ve been doing my best to do these days. Clean and clear even a small space.  Cut more squares for the boys’ quilts.  etc etc  Yes, truly ‘baby steps’ – still better than nothing, I say.  That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!  ^_^

From there the journal ventured into the world scene – but that’s “a whole other story” and one I will tell in the next blog – today or tomorrow???

Yesterday was a very difficult day for me.  The FB posts I read triggered all sorts of negative reactions of fear and dismay.  And all day there were waves of sadness and fear that would just suddenly wash over me, triggering tears and fearful gut feelings.  Not too surprising to have the following words pouring out onto those pages again.  A little surprising that I am being urged to once again share.  Even if no one reads, I have at least added some positive energy to the huge cloud of negativity engulfing our country now – maybe even the World??  So, here goes:

There were some very disturbing posts on FB – people of color being told to “go to the back of the bus” by punks.  Black women being called n____ bitch. etc

  This too shall pass – angry people are prone to nasty ‘knee jerk’ reactions.  Decent folks will step forward and prevail.  In fact – the now much more real and obvious possibility will actually spark an outpouring of Love – more people, more aware of the words and actions of others – and their own automatic/unconscious thoughts, feelings and reactions.  The ugliness of a few will make the majority of us kinder and gentler.  And we will be more mindful of the words and actions of others.  Perhaps now keeping an eye on the young black woman alone ‘over there’; notice any “bully like” activity, any men approaching in an aggressive manner.  We will be looking out for each other and ‘we’ will escort the “inappropriate young men” off the bus!  There are more kind and caring people than “angry” and “WE” will make America kind again.  There is no ‘greatness’ in fear and anger and cruelty.  God Is Great and God Is Love 

And if you feel the need to “protest” – do a ‘sit down’, maybe with a candle, and meditate on Love!  An angry protest only escalates the anger and no one ‘wins’.  Everyone is ‘unsafe’. Very unwise and dangerous.  Hold hands and sing one of those Beatles songs!  Form circles within circles.  Form a line across the whole country!  Imagine!!  I wonder if you can? ^_^  It is time to come together, to truly ‘Love thy neighbor as thy self’.  See no skin coloring.  Ignore clothing or headgear.  No matter language or accents – heart to heart requires no words.  (I got it, God) – those angry young men are fulfilling their life purpose and it is painful to their own souls.  And they are the very catalyst that will spark the flame of Love and Kindness in the rest of us; will awaken our hearts and stir our very souls.  Yes, it is time for those songs to be sung again – maybe now, we can hear??  Imagine!  I wonder if you can.  Imagine – your young daughter is safe – any time of day and anywhere.  Imagine – your elderly parent will be automatically ‘helped’ whenever, where ever and however needed in the moment.  Imagine – your child will be accepted no matter any “disability”!  (And could that end our “need” for ‘disability?)

Yes, we are indeed on the path to/of ‘greatness’ – no guns or maybe even man-written laws will be required.  The only “concealed” is an open heart beating in each chest.  You may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one!!  Just imagine – I wonder if you can.

Amen

Once again, I am sharing the words that poured out onto the pages of my journal as I attempt to make some sense of what appears so insanely bizarre.

As for Trump, I think he will fulfill on his campaign slogan and NOT by or of himself as his ego thinks.  We the people will gather ourselves – much as is happening for and with the Indians trying to protect their sacred lands!  We will come together in cooperation and love.  As I said months ago – he is the perfect mirror for us to see all the ways we unconsciously act toward each other.  And we will join together and self-correct.  Our ugly underbelly and scary shadow side now stand clearly in front of us, fully exposed – can no longer be denied, and thus can now be authentically healed! 

So, I say, yes – celebrate and let’s join hands and “git er done”!  We have always been the Country with a huge Heart – here are the words we speak to the world, as inscribed on Lady Liberty:

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

It is time to once again live by those words – and now we can even look a little closer to home, in our own neighborhoods and towns and cities – there are weary and oppressed right here!  We have allowed our freedom to become about money and possessions.  About more and more for ‘me’ and to hell with you.  Think about the upcoming events – those insane “Black Friday” sales – we will literally trample on those in front of us to be first in the door. 😦  And we seal ourselves up in our big metal vehicles to move from place to place and become enraged when someone dares to move into a space on the highway that we consider to be ours. 😦  And it becomes  FB worthy when a young man assists and older woman navigate an escalator.:(  Our National Heart has been in great pain for a long time.  We have now shined the light on it and fully exposed what we have been denying for a very long time.  Thank you Trump for showing us so clearly that, yes, the time has come to make America great again – WE are the Heart of the Nation and we are finally on the path of healing – thru Love, Cooperation, Inclusion and Regard.  Time to start humming/singing John’s song “Imagine all the people…..” (I wonder if you can?)

Amen

Once again, after I had finished my morning journaling and reading – there came this thought train rollin thru.  And I was moved to sit down here and begin writing and see what shows up beyond the initial musings/thoughts.

It seems to me that what we call ‘life’ and free will are like (in reverse order) – a magic wand and an infinite space in which to create ‘magic/magical things’.  And then we are left on our own to figure it all out!

First we must discover we even have such a thing – the ‘magic wand’ of free will.  And for most of us, that never really happens.  We climb aboard the victim train and ride it to our death/final destination.  Good things are ‘gifts/rewards’ from whatever our definition/sense of God may be and only if we have been good little boys and girls and have prayed ‘rightly’ and followed all the rules, etc.  Bad things are never anything we had anything to do with – unless we choose to believe we have done something bad for which we are being punished – yes, by that same “judging” god.  Who forever keeps track of our transgressions – for which we will also likely have to pay at the end of our journey.  And in the extreme may send the train to a very hot and awful place!!

Yes, we hear those words many times and from a very early age – Free Will.  We then accept whatever the current popular definition may be and have no idea how powerful we actually are.  Just because we don’t know we have a magic wand does not mean that it is not ‘working’!!  And thus, we continue to wreak havoc in our own lives and wonder “why is this happening to me?!”  We spend hours, days, months and years thinking about everything we DO NOT want and then are shocked and dismayed that it keeps showing up!!  Exactly what I didn’t want!!  God, are you not listening????  And the wand plays on.

And the first time we hear the word “responsible/responsibility” all we hear is ‘fault’.  How can you say that – that it’s all my fault??  And so we wrestle with all of that concept for awhile and slowly begin to realize we just might have something to do with the ‘stuff’ of our life – the situations and conditions, etc.  And, yes, outcomes.  And as nearly everyone I know has experienced, we begin with baby steps – you know, the familiar ‘creating a parking space’ thing.   And the whole ‘power of attraction’ processes.  And yet, we still don’t quite get it.  You see, you don’t get to tell that magic wand when and when not to do its thing!  It does whatever it is told – whatever you think, believe and/or speak!  No, probably not some vague transient thought that floats thru your mind.  Yes, all the permanent residents that have become totally unconscious and in control of your very life.

So, you may ask, if they are totally unconscious, how can I find out what they are?  Take a closer look ‘out there’!  Everything you see is simply a mirror of your own thinking and believing.  Some of it is pretty simple and obvious to connect.  Some of it may take some deeper looking – it’s all stored right there in what we call our ‘ego’.  Which is essentially our operating system and for the most part was programmed during our first 7 years here in this lifetime – except there might also be a few carryovers from a previous one. ^_^ But, that’s a whole other story. ^_^  Anyway – in my own life as I experienced a level of dismay around a certain presidential candidate, I came to the realization – given it is all a mirror, or my projection of my thoughts and beliefs, then what I’m being shown is all my unhealed and unresolved issues – my deeply buried traces of racism etc, etc.  You cannot even see what you do not already ‘know’/is not at some level ‘true’ for you.  ugh!!!  Interestingly, I have begun to see articles from folks more knowledgeable than I that we are being shown our “shadow side” as a nation/people.  Funny how that works. ^_^

Anyway – what I’m thinkin is that if we had a better perspective on this whole ‘free will’ thing and even an inkling of it’s power – we would tend to be a bit more conscious of how we ‘wave it about’!!!  Remember Mickey with the Wizard’s wand – he created quite a mess and had no idea how to undo what he had done!!!  Nearly did himself in.  Sound familiar??  Just sayin’. . . . .

As written in my journal:

OK, going to close and just leave the World to God.  Remember, it must be brought to (the) Light to be transformed.  Obviously we as a Nation/people have been holding onto lots of darkness for a long, long time.  God Bless those brave souls who chose to come here and be the examples – show us all our deeply hidden (false) beliefs.  [God, keep us all safe as we make our way thru all the darkness. Thank You]  And this is how it looks – the healing of a Nation – to bring out into the open/Light all that is ready to be healed/released.

 Some of us have experienced “personal healing” – have gone thru the painful experience of recognizing/acknowledging our false beliefs in order to “heal” – to pull ourselves out of  the self-inflicted misery & suffering which is the result of false beliefs. 

I believe that is what is going on at a more “macro” level – is it the World?  Certainly this Nation!  The racism that simply went “underground” when slavery was abolished.  The feminism that has lived on despite the “equal pay, etc” progress on the surface.  The “sexual orientation paranoia” that clearly lives on.  All of this in “the land of the free”!  It is time to “walk our talk” and we are smack dab in the middle of what it looks like to get there, to BE the Land of the Free with every fiber of our Being.  Change requires letting go and change for Good requires letting go of what doesn’t work.  Prejudice and judgement do NOT work – neither f or the judging nor the judged.  Judgement is an act of ‘separateness’ – there is no judgement within the realization of Oneness.  Perhaps – in order to realize our Oneness, we must first expose/bring to (the) Light all of our false beliefs of separation.  All of our unspoken, even unconscious, judgements/beliefs – some of which we can not even admit to, to ourselves!  And yet – I say LOOK!  Look “out there” – it’s only a mirror!  There is NO ONE “out there”!!!  You are seeing yourself – so if you don’t like what you see – CHANGE YOUR OWN THINKING/BELIEVING/SPEAKING!  If there is something showing up in your world that you ‘don’t like’ – take a closer look at yourself.  It can sometimes feel painful – but the alternative is a ‘killer’ – literally.  Have you read/watched the news lately???

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