grist for the mill

It has been a very long time since I was moved to write!  Today I could not ignore the prodding!

I was poked by my daily reading and it led me to a belief I chose many years ago.  I was enduring one of the lower points of my life at the time, and that ‘voice in my head’ said – “you know, ultimately, life only gets better”.  hmmm  me thinks.  Let me see – is that really true?  And, sure enough – it did appear to be so!

While there will always be those valleys of ‘darkness’ – there will always also be hills of sunshine – IF we allow!!  Life, as we all know, IS about cycles – some things, like seasons, seem to just ‘repeat’, so to speak.  And sometimes – our lives kinda seem like that too!  We get ‘up’ and then just ‘fall down’ back into the same ‘stuff’.

The fundamental nature of this reality is CHANGE.  Everything comes and then goes.  I believe the purpose of what we might call the ‘down’ time is an opportunity for us to prepare ourselves for “more”.  To expand our thinking and believing – to actually create the space for something “bigger” and better.  And if we don’t, if we stay stuck in self pity or any other negative thinking, when the cycle restarts it will likely look a whole lot like the one before!  Because all of those things we have heard are true – ‘you will see it when you believe it’, ‘you get what you think’, etc.

I have been in my personal “down time” for a couple years now and have been struggling with my personal ‘dark’ thoughts and beliefs – I’m too old to keep doing this; I’ve run out of ideas; nobody wants what I do anyway blah blah blah the voice goes on without stop 24 hours a day!  And sometimes I can over talk it when I can remember the Truth.  For sure my life is changing and I may not be a “traveling salesman” for too much longer.  What is important for me to remember is “LIFE ALWAYS GETS BETTER”!  And to remember this down time is the opportunity for me to create the space for whatever that better will be.  Could have nothing to do with money and such!  Could be more about Peace, Love, Joy and Beauty!  Authentically!

That’s my story and I’m stickin to it! ^_^

It’s been a very long time since last I visited here and recorded my random thoughts. A beginning of a new year seemed a good reason to do this – especially with the thoughts running thru my head like the parade I forgot to watch yesterday. ^_^ While I did attempt to record in my daily journal, I also felt moved to do this and perhaps expand on them a bit.  While this is mostly for my own benefit, there is the outside chance something may click for you as well??

The first thought that crossed my mind as I was attempting to resist being “awake” was that this is really the first day of the new year.  While the calendar reads day 2, it’s actually the first day back from whatever level of crazy holidays we just experienced.  The first day back into ‘normal’ routine -‘cept for the kids!  (They have another several days off. ^_^) And then came the not so happy thought/realization – wasn’t I just here not that very long ago?? Saying “good riddance” to the ‘old one’ and looking hopefully (if not fully joyously) at the ‘new one’??  Will it not just be another “fast forward 12 months and repeat” (ad infinitum)??? Another round on the ‘not so merry-go-round’?  And exactly how long does it take for the new to wear off?  And we find ourselves disappointed yet again.  And we spend the rest of the year just waiting for it to end.  I mean, we can’t just discard it like we do people and things.  We are forced to ‘ride it out’. Sometimes we work to ‘make the best of it’ (the proverbial ‘bad thing’).  Sometimes we just sulk in the corner till it’s over.  We will likely resist anything that implies a little changing in ourselves could go a long way toward making life “better”.  Instead we will probably continue to accumulate more stuff – in our homes (and added to the dump).  To ease and distract from the “proverbial pain”.  All the latest, greatest, newer, better – in with the new and out with the old – stuff and sometimes people.  Will we ever get to – it was a good year.  I am satisfied and complete and ready for next.  I did my best.  I learned and grew and am ready for what’s next.

And then came this float in my mental parade – What if there were a Good News Network?? (GNN)  Dedicated to sharing only good news – stories of kindness, compassion, courage and accomplishment and breakthru’s??  With no commercials pushing mindless consumerism!  Only a kind of ‘info’-mercial.  Maybe just local businesses telling you what’s available close by – no hype to buy!  I’m very sure there are enough ‘good’ stories to fill each 24 hour day!!  It’s a big world!  There are lots of people doing extraordinary things! And an abundance of less obvious stories – like the person whose plan to kill herself was altered by a simple smile from a stranger!  How many would be inspired to smile! ^_^  How many lives might be saved and changed??  There are truly infinite possibilities!  And who wouldn’t want the job of finding love and joy in the world????  And wouldn’t that be a great way to spend your money if you were a billionaire?? ^_^

And that is my two cents worth for today.  I shall now reenter my day a whole lot differently!  In joy and gratitude – and if I venture out, you can bet I shall smile at everyone!! ^_^

or two

I was originally thinking this would be just a short facebook post – then ‘heard’, write a blog.  So here we go again – more thoughts from this perhaps senile mind.

So – let me get this straight:

“WE” can not afford medical care for the men and women who were willing to literally ‘lay down their life’ for our ‘flag’ and all it stands for. However – “WE” should withhold pay or even deport those who, in an attempt to bring awareness to the fact that there are people in this country who are acting in ways that are at best “disrespectful” of what the flag represents, and at worst harmful to their fellow citizens.  You know, those ‘brave’ people who have chosen to ‘respectfully’ kneel, with head bowed and hand over heart while listening to the National Anthem.  All they are trying to say is – please, get your head/eyes/attention out of your portfolio and take a look over here at what is happening ‘on the streets’!!

And while I’m on the subject of ‘money’ – have you ever thought what it might be like if you were the one deciding what your next pay increase would be? And – that you could choose to retire at any age and have very good benefits/income for the rest of your life??  For having done a job that was mostly about keeping your job and to hell with those who actually gave you the job!

And we wonder how we got into this mess – really?!???!!

IF it is True (& I sense that it is) – that we “bend reality” with our thinking and believing- is it not imperative that we remain CONSCIOUS?!!

I mean-if it is not what (something) you truly want – DON’T even think about it!!  Be vigilently (my word ^_^) conscious and aware of where your mind wants to wander and drag you! Stay out of “dark alleys”! Good advice at any level!  ^_^

As I am forcing myself to prepare for a show which from this point of view is looking potentially “disasterous”, I find myself once again questioning.  That ever present question – “is it time to quit?”  And as the years have progressed, I seem to have been gathering evidence for “yes”.  I guess it’s simply a matter of time until those reasons outweigh the one that has kept me going – that being “out and about” is better for my “health and well being” than to remain “home alone” in this small space.  It is beginning to feel like the wear and tear on my aging body is overcoming the “ego perks”. 😦

And then there is this – I can not continue to be a kind of “traveling museum”.  That is, displaying a skill that was once ‘honored’, so to speak, and valued.  Handwork, like clocks with hands, is becoming extinct in terms of a skill anyone wants to learn – let alone master. And while the ‘oohs & ahhs’ feel good, they don’t pay the bills, so to speak(again^_^).  And, as we all know, everything required to produce a product and get it to a location, and into a space – all of those “expenses” have gone way up.  While “income” has continued to decline.

And that leaves the issue of ‘intent’ – why am I doing this in the first place??  Yes, I certainly need to make money!  As noted above – there are those built in expenses.  There are also the what would be called ‘overhead’ expenses, except in this case – it includes ‘living’ expenses!!  So, there is that.  However, there has always been the joy of creating and sharing.  I have refused to do things/designs just because they would sell – so to speak. (again)^_^  I have only done what has called to me – my favorite flowers, etc.  And, until recently, only using hand, needleturn applique’!  Yes, there are those two new patterns!  They are done with machine applique’.  And you might be thinking – well, then, why not just go in that direction?  And I can only say – because that would not be being true to me.  It would feel like ‘doing it for the money’ – and then it would truly become a “JOB”!  It’s hard work and hard enough to do ‘for the love of it’!!

And there you have it – my unanswered question.

After reading the Daily Guide that I use, I feel moved to write –

It seems the the 4 of us (myself and siblings) were ‘conditioned’ to sadness (@ best! and perhaps even to some degree, misery?).  And so, the overall state of mind that became comfortable and “safe” (to OUR mind) is some degree/level of UN-happiness.  And given the purpose of the mind is ‘survival’ and it sees any change/deviation from its established and accepted “status quo” as a threat (to its  survival), ANY and ALL moments of “joy and happiness” in ANY form (eg: success of any kind) must be somehow squelched and/or ‘punished’ – whatever it takes to return to its accepted “status quo” = “safety”= survival.

It is my ego/mind/programming that I am allowing to ‘run my life’ and its goal is its own survival and to hell with me – literally!!  For its concept of life is a kind of ‘living hell’!  Hah!!  Perhaps that is the true definition of “hell” – the life your ego mind gives you!  And Heaven is the Life given by God or your authentic, higher Self!!  ^_^

As a side note here – what the hell happened to the ‘underline’ option????  grrrr



Again from my journal, and there were some additional sentences just before this one with which I shall begin this writing – personal and not necessary for what I’m trying to express.

Ego is like that, the need to “be right” = survival (ultimately) and everything that changes is a threat to “survival”.  And the Nature of Life IS change.  Talk about living in a paradox!  We humans are programmed to fear and thus resist change – no matter how much we say we want and deeply long for same – our unconscious programming will resist at any cost – including our death.  Now that’s scary!

Perhaps that’s the real source of my (low level) ‘holiday depression’ (any and all holidays, not just like those rapidly approaching).  Holidays create  an overall ‘change’, something constantly ‘going on’, not our normal ‘hum’ that allows us to suppress everything so we can remain undisturbed in whatever our ‘normal’ routine.  I think it might be what causes me to feel a little ‘not ok’ the week or so before a show – the impending disruption of my ‘routine’ = mostly doing nothing. 😦  Once again where I am and kinda struggling to DO “other”.  To do some of the things I have constantly poking at me.  Even working on my quilt has become a way of ‘hiding out’ (with justification) and avoiding taking care of myself and my home.  And even tho I know what’s going on, I am struggling to stay out of its control.

Some “spiritual” folks are talking about it, and some of us are doing our best to hear and apply.  Seems very difficult, and I suspect even that thought is part of it.  Perhaps that’s a good place to start – staying conscious of my resistance to change and notice how it shows up.  All the myriad of little, subtle ways it influences my actions each moment.  All my “I don’t wanna” moments.  I can choose to listen to that voice and live with what it provides – a kind of “living death” and then death by inertia as the brain slows and the muscles atrophy with ‘lack of use’ – and soon you really are a ‘walking dead’ (have no idea what that show is about) ^_^

OR, I can adopt the attitude required to ‘eat an elephant’ – one bite/step at a time.  That is what I’ve been doing my best to do these days. Clean and clear even a small space.  Cut more squares for the boys’ quilts.  etc etc  Yes, truly ‘baby steps’ – still better than nothing, I say.  That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!  ^_^

From there the journal ventured into the world scene – but that’s “a whole other story” and one I will tell in the next blog – today or tomorrow???

Next Page »