transformation


It started with the random thoughts about this year’s god-awful election debacle.  The whole “Greatest Country” stuff.  And the first thing I saw was what comes of that thinking – the concept of’ “greatest”.  That is judgemental thinking and must include the opposite – that which you are ‘greater than’.  And thinking you are the greatest also includes the need to remain the greatest – and that need puts you in the state of constant, even if only ‘low level’, fear.  The fear of losing your ‘status’ as ‘the greatest’, because if you are dwelling in the concept of opposites – there is always some ‘other’ whose goal it is to take over your position at ‘the top’.

So – what do you do?  You do whatever you deem necessary to protect and defend your position.  You create a “Department of Defense” and a military whose job it is to “defend” your status and “defeat” anyone who might challenge you – thus proving you really are ‘the greatest’.  And you get a little paranoid about it all – as humans are prone to do – and you begin attacking those who even look like they might be a threat.  And you continue to build your arsenal of weapons, and call it ‘protection’, even if the using of those so called “weapons of defense” could likely destroy even your home – the one called “Earth”!!  And you start putting people in charge who are truly committed to maintaining your ‘greatness’.  And you totally forget who you really are.

And then there is the other way superiority has manifested in this ‘greatest’ country – that white is superior to all – as in ‘white skin’.  WTF, my mind said – what is that about???  Ah – pretty simple – a very basic belief – light is better than dark.  A bright sunny day is good.  A dark, stormy night – not so much.  Dark is inherently scary, threatening – “the dark forces of evil”, etc.  I guess because our eyes aren’t as effective in the dark?  We are frightened by the fact that we can’t see what MIGHT be there because we have come to believe that our 5 senses are the only thing that we have, the only means of ‘survival’ in the physical world.  So it follows somehow in our human brain logic – dark is inherently at least scary and ‘untrustworthy’ and obviously less good than ‘light’/white.  This is all automatic, habitual, non-thinking!!  It is part of very old and outdated programming!  Handed down for generations and never even acknowledged, let alone questioned.  In many ways that old programming actually thinks us.  Our very lives are created by unconscious thinking, and then we wonder why and how come ___________.

And included in our fear – of losing our status as ‘the greatest’, or our ‘white superiority’ – is the concept of ‘infiltration’ and resulting ‘dilution’ and/or an ‘internal’ attack.  Do you remember when a bi-racial child had little chance of a ‘normal’ life???  And these days – wearing a ‘funny’ head gear could be reason enough to be ‘feared’, or if your skin is anything other than ‘snowy white’.  So now we are actually planning to build a wall to help maintain our self-proclaimed ‘superiority and greatness’.  [Pardon me while I puke.]  (Sorry, just a little personal opinion thrown in here)

I think it’s time for all of us to take an authentic look at what may be lurking in our mind closet of ‘false beliefs’ and bring them out into the light to be transformed.  Remember, you cannot even see what is not already ‘known’ to you, what you don’t ‘believe’, even if it isn’t an acknowledged belief.  All of what is currently happening in the World, and more specifically, in our “great” (cough, cough) country is simply an out-picturing of our beliefs – however deeply hidden, denied and unacknowledged!!  I for one, have been ‘hard at it’ since early this year when I first realized that I actually did have something to do with all the ‘shit’ showing up in my world.  Consider this an invitation to join me in a quest for “A World that works for everyone”.

And I am now stepping down from my soap box – feel free to step onto yours in response.  My skin is much tougher than it used to be ^_^

Yesterday I was texting with a friend and fellow vendor and she was setting up at a show.  She arrived to discover her booth was in a small room with two other vendors, one of them “the icky _________ ladies”.  The blank being the name of their ‘country of origin’, a detail not necessary for this writing/pondering of mine.  My knee-jerk reaction was the impulse to write words of total agreement.  While I resisted writing the words, I did send ‘appropriate’ emoji’s.    And then began my pondering –

Why are those two women like ‘finger nails on a blackboard’ to me??  Why do I appear ‘ok’ with some accents and others seem to annoy me?    While I do well enough hiding my feelings from the others (out there), I cannot hide them from myself – and I do not understand!  I know we humans tend to fear anything ‘different’ from what we know and how we ‘are’.

It is also upsetting to me when I can’t understand what someone is saying because they can’t pronounce the word(s) the way I do (ie: properly).  Does, at that level, “fear of the unknown” get ‘converted’ to dislike and is dislike the lowest energy form of ‘anger’?  We know that anger is the energy of fear converted into “self-defense”.  Anger is our way of expressing fear defensively.  Is then, feeling annoyed or “disliking” actually the experience and resulting expression of very low level ‘fear of the unknown’??  Could it actually have nothing to do with me personally and is simply one of the carry overs from our beginnings as “cave dwellers” when that kind of fear was needed/necessary for survival?

If I were to accept that concept, could I not then simply observe my internal ‘knee-jerk’ reactions and not ‘attach’ myself?  Could I let them arise and pass with no guilt or shame OR outward/physical reaction.  Recognize, acknowledge and let it pass.  Has nothing  to do with me personally – OR the other person(s).  Part of “fight or flight” animal instincts and I have a much more ‘advanced’ mechanism/brain with which to ensure my ‘survival’. ^_^

The other, more complicated part of it is – the need to be right.  I think also part of the survival stuff – for included in being right is the need for everyone else to agree with and be/think/act like you = nothing ‘unknown’ to fear???  And in the extreme, that fear can lead to the need to “eliminate” anyone who does not agree with you or fit your pictures of what is “right”.  Add to that, in the case of what we call “acts of terrorism”, those committing the “killing” have been convinced that the ‘right’ thing they are doing will win them a special place in the “after life”.

So – all of that gives my logical brain a kind of ‘answer’ to my ongoing question of “WHY???”  But leaves me with –  where are we heading??  Looks like we are headed for self-destruction.  So then my question becomes – how do we turn it around??  Love!  As always and for every question – Love is the only answer.  Moment by moment each day – stay present and practice Love.  Smile at people for no reason.  Lend a hand when you can.  Do our best to cultivate a feeling and way of being ‘in Love’; coming from the Earth as our sacred home and all of humanity as our family.  Do what we can, when we can, to spread Love.  Pay attention when the early programmed false beliefs come forth and take over our conscious thinking and acting.  Sometimes the best we can do is ‘nothing’ – remember those 3 little monkeys – the “no evil” ones. ^_^

We have the power and freedom to create whatever we want – read”want” as think and believe.  We tend to think about what we don’t want (a lot!) and then we wonder why we remain (stuck) in lack and limitation.  Added to that is that early ‘familial programming’ – the “sins of the father” – hah!  I just got it.  I have heard sin defined as “wrong thinking” and now it makes sense – the Biblical statement – “wrong thinking” is passed down for generations as you can only teach what you know!  Children as ‘taught’ what parents believe as well as how to ‘demonstrate’ those beliefs based on the actions of the parents as observed and interpreted.  We arrive with ‘clean slates’ and fully open and receptive.  Our survival instinct looks at those around us who have obviously survived and with those observations we determine how to survive.  And thus the “sins of the father” live on. & on.  & on. 😦

The good news is – we are all One and as I heal my “sins’, I am contributing healing for all.  Does this human brain really understand ‘how’? NO, and could not!  And of no consequence – I don’t have to understand gravity, or even know it exists as a Law to “use” it – it keeps my feet firmly planted on the ground anyway!  We call it the “Law of Gravity” – or more accurately we call what it ‘does’ the “Law of”.

What is not yet as widely and ‘commonly’ realized/known is the Law of Attraction.  While many of us have at least heard of the Law of Attraction – perhaps we have only a very limited understanding of it?!  Perhaps magnets give us a physical demonstration of on aspect of that Law?? Or a demonstration of the Nature of the Law – that it is “attrative” in Nature/by? Nature.  That Life IS Energy.  That what appears as form is simply condensed energy??  And it is – ah, that’s it!!  It’s not the Law of Attraction – it is The Law of Creation!  Is that a more accurate description/definition??  I suspect that if we believed that we would be much more ‘careful’/conscious of how we used it!!  Like we don’t step out of a 3rd story window or jump out of an airplane without the appropriate equipment on our back!!

I sense there has been a bit of ‘back-peddling’ by those who have professed to “know” and thus “teach” about the Law of ‘attraction’.  That while they know there is something that appears to work ‘simply’ as attraction = ‘object to object’ – there is a much deeper cut to be made.  Using the word ‘attraction’ tends to put us in the physical realm and we begin ‘picturing in our mind’ what we want – and it’s often a ‘something’ that we believe already exists and that our thinking will draw it to us as if we are a magnet drawing a pin (or nail) to itself – because it is “the Law”.

Anyway, here’s the thing – if it is actually “The Law of Creation”, what we don’t realize is that we are using it in every moment/nano-second of our life!  As I wrote the other day – we are creating that which we call  “life” – and more specifically, our lifeas we live each moment.  We are ‘alive’/living our life – we are living and thus creating our life as we think.  We believe/think that thinking is a “passive” activity (is that an oxymoron?? ^_^); when, in truth, it is a creative activity.  Every thought transmits energy – which energy tends to “glom onto” similar energy and at some point the ‘gathering’ of energy is sufficient to create form/condition/circumstance/opportunity/possibility……  The “stuff” of our lives.  It should be obvious then, that thinking the same thought(s) over and over and over can greatly contribute to the “gathering” and bring about the creation of our thoughts – even if it’s what we are saying and thinking it is NOT ‘what we want’!!

Change you thinking, change your life

 

contrary to that popular expression that ‘life is what happens while you are making other plans’ -Life is NOT some pre-existing ‘thing’ that we kind of walk thru and thus experience.  there is nothing there until we ‘think’ it into existence.  rather like the umpire who claims “they ain’t nothin’ till I call them” – life is as we say it is.  we Know, think, speak, and act it into existence with each nanosecond we ‘live’.  it can only show up as we believe because we are in actuality speaking it into existence.  which ‘speaking’ doesn’t mean only the words in our head and those we say.  what the Universe hears and responds to is the energy of our long held (often false) beliefs, thoughts and those words we unconsciously repeat over and over.  all those times we say “I am_______”, or even think “I am_____”.  that one tiny, 2-letter word is the most powerful tool we have – and the one we use the most unconsciously!  how many times in my life have i said “i am broke”?  versus – how many times have i said “i am enough”?  even if i now say “i am enough” because of all that i have read etc – do i really believe it?  does my inner ‘critic’ even allow me to believe it?  all that old programming that told me not to ask for more – and punished me if i did!!  yes, i have weeded out a lot of it – pretty clearly not all!!  i have reached the level of ‘enough’ – that is ‘just enough’ to stay ‘ok’.  as a clear example:  i just did a show that is typically very successful.  while preparing for it and thinking about the amount of money i usually make, i heard that voice! i heard it say “i (you) don’t need that much”, and for just one of those ‘nanoseconds’ i then felt the shame of having asked for more than i need.

none of that registered (consciously) until i sat there, at the show, wondering what the heck was happening?!  and i remembered.  😦  what i was experiencing was a direct result of my thinking and believing.  i can not have more than i ‘need’ or ‘deserve’.  i just saw, as i wrote that sentence – for me ‘deserve’ means ‘what i need to survive and no more’! my self worth is at the level of ‘existence/survival’ – i guess that’s a step up from “worthless”?? ^_^

back to creating our life as we go – i know a man who used to record every phone conversation.  for him it was a way of ‘preserving’ his life/past – something like that.  anyway, what if we all had recorded all of our conversations every day of our lives?  and what if we could replay a day, say 6 months ago?  and if we listened, how closely would what we said (and the unsaid, implied beliefs & thoughts) match what is currently showing up???  or persisting?

and “the moral of the story is?” – remember that “I am” are the most powerful words you can speak.  be as mindful a possible!  listen to your own thinking and speaking!  if you are experiencing a long standing situation or circumstance, do NOT say “I am sick and tired of ______________”!!!  examine your long held beliefs – are they serving you now?  a wise man once told us – “it is done unto you as you believe”.  if you look thru unfiltered eyes, you will find proof in every area of your life.  we were all ‘programmed’ with the pre-existing beliefs of our chosen families.  we chose our family because they fit our purpose for this lifetime – to contribute to the healing of those beliefs for the evolution of humanity.

and with that, i shall close!  to delve into that concept/belief would take many pages – and, just for the record, all of this is my belief!  i am not claiming to have the answer(s) for anyone else!  just hoping to inspire you to think about what you believe and whether those beliefs are still serving you = creating a life you love!

And I am once again being Guided to share my thoughts, feelings and beliefs with ‘everyone’/publicly thru this blog.  It is not something I take lightly and it is not easy to share.  I have learned to follow the Guidance and so here we go:

In answer to that question, which I, for one, have been wrestling with ever since the emergence of the person called Donald Trump onto the political scene:  It seems to me, at the ‘macro’ level, what is happening is that we as a nation are being exposed.  That is, our proverbial ugly ‘underbelly’ is being shown to the whole world.  This country that proclaims to be the land of the free, where everyone is treated equally and fairly and where our ‘entry harbor’ contains a statue that reads “bring us your ……….. ‘ – just might not be as advertised.  That we are, at some level, lying to the world.  And to ourselves.  Yes, I think that is the real purpose of what is going on – it is an opportunity for us to self-examine.  There is now a mirror in front of each of us that we cannot ignore.  We must confront the truth of what we are seeing, for we cannot see that which is not already so for us.  In each of us lives some element of what the man called Trump is exhibiting.  And so I have done my best to look at my own thoughts, beliefs, and feelings – admit the traces of racism that reside within me and all my victim-like thoughts about what the world is doing to me – how ‘unfairly’ I am being treated, etc, etc, etc.

Yesterday I watched an interview that was posted on FB and this morning these words flowed out into my journal, along with the guidance to share them here in this blog.  Yes, here we go again ^_^

As I watched, this is what I saw and thought – he never did answer the question he was asked.  Instead he said “we are building a wall, ok?” as many times as can be fit into a 3-5 minute interview. I mean, he is not only non-qualified, he is unqualified for the ‘most important job in the world’.  As in -not only is he lacking the ‘right qualities’, he has ‘qualities and characteristics’ that are “wrong”!

Our country was founded on the “right” ideals, and has taken a very “bad” turn to the “left” at some point – AND I AM NOT TALKING IN STUPID POLITICAL TERMINOLOGY (I don’t even know what left and right mean politically!)  It has become not about “the pursuit of happiness” we live and stand for – but the pursuit of the “almighty dollar”, for we have misplaced our faith and put it into the belief in all ‘things out there’ and turned our backs on what & where true Happiness lives. 😦  We abandon our loved ones and kill our neighbors in the pursuit and/or protection of money & things.   I am actually moved to tears as I write and I believe when that happens I have ‘struck a chord’ – at least for me.

Yes, there is an element of ‘making money’ in what I do – it is a fact of this current reality that money is required to maintain my life “conditions” as well as the business.  I cannot, however, get lost in that realm – I must keep my focus and attention and intention on “how can I serve?”, “what can I give/provide?”.  I once made the declaration of who I am as “a world that works for everyone” and more recently, in terms of ‘purpose’ that “I am a mirror for Love and Beauty”.  When my attention moves away from that and onto only dollars, my life becomes a struggle, full of unhappiness and often loss.  And, yes, when I make those statements and delcarations of who I am, that voice in there screams with all the nastiness it can muster – “who do you think you are?!”  As I write this and with a smile I can say, “I just told you”!!  🙂  And, yes, I am smiling from ‘ear to ear’. 🙂

And now back to Trump – had he answered that simple ‘yes or no’ question authentically/truthfully, his answer would have been just one word – ‘yes’.  He chose to not answer truthfully and thus had to attempt to convince us that his lie (no) was true and did so with something very close to “jibberish” – words spewing nearly incoherently and actually cutting off the interviewer each time he attempted to respond – words that had nothing to do with any question asked.  Kinda like we all do when we are lying – as lying is not our true nature and therefore words do not flow easily and coherently sometimes and seldom stay ‘on topic’ – a tactic employed to get the questioner distracted from their original intent/question.  Seems to me “we’re going to build a wall, ok?” IS another way of saying, “yes, I am a racist”!  Why else would you want to keep people of a different “race” from “your land”?

As long as we are speaking ‘different’ and meaning ‘separate’ we shall continue to divide and build walls of every nature and we shall destroy both our Mother Earth and everything on it (including ourselves) in the process, for it is true – “a house divided cannot stand”.  It is not easy admitting to and looking for traces of all those ‘bad’ adjectives I have heard added to the man called Trump.  It is, however, vital to my very life to do so and I invite anyone reading this to do the same – just don’t forget to love yourself as you do. ^_^

I can have as much as I can accept.

I can accept as much as I think I deserve.

I deserve as much as I think I’m “worth”.

I’m “worth” as much as I believe.

I believe what I was told (as a child).

I was told what those I trusted believed.

They believed what they had been told, by those they trusted – ad infinitum!

THAT SHIT STOPS HERE – NOW!!

Seldom am I moved to write twice in such a short time span; however, this one was actually brewing and being successfully resisted for a whole week now.  It is the result of an actual experience I had while at the show last weekend and it included my sweet little dog, Calvin.  In fact, he was the inspiration for the whole thought process that will be included in this writing.  Here’s what happened:

A fellow vendor and friend, Kay, came out to the van to say hello to Calvin while we were setting up.  He had been very vocal and everyone knew he was there!  He had been barking with great gusto at every passing person, and I had noticed a little ‘hysterically’ so now and then.  He had met Kay before, but when she got right to the door and sort of ‘inside’ the van, his barking became nearly a screeching and his behavior very aggressive!  The kind where you just know if that dog gets out he will tear her to shreds!  Yikes!!

I had begun to think that it was the ‘cage’ that perhaps contributed, as I had observed ‘this’ before.  I thought I would just see what happened.  I opened the door and out came this wiggly, happy puppy to great Kay with kisses and all!!  IMMEDIATELY  hmmmm.

Kay works with her local shelter and even does foster care for kittens for them.  She came over to the booth, maybe the next day, during the show and shared the following information.  There is actually a phenomena (num?) that happens with caged animals, and specifically dogs.  It is called “barrier aggression”.  They have observed dogs in adjoining cages acting like savage beasts toward each other and then perfectly fine once both are free and can interact ‘normally’.  Obviously it is fear based and the dog feels helpless and thus threatened while locked in a cage/small space = “cornered”!

How is this relevant to us as human beings, you ask.  Well, given the way my mind works, it got me thinking and here is what showed up:

It seems to me that we have been taught – even by well-meaning religion(s) – that we are separate from God – you know, we pray to the big guy in the sky, etc.  And this perceived separation from God led to the equally false belief that we are separate from each other.  Yes, at the level of physical reality there certainly does appear to be separation!!  Our bodies are not connected in the physical realm!  And our bodies are not identical – each is a unique specimen in every way.  Sometimes the differences are very obvious – beyond male vs female there are all the other common ‘differences’ we are so fond of pointing out – and judging!  You know, the ones that sometimes make us uncomfortable in their obvious difference, and that uncomfortable-ness  can often trigger fear.(Truth is, I think it’s always there, very low level fear of everyone we don’t know)  And with the fear comes the invisible protective “barrier” – and with the barrier can come “barrier aggression” – no??  I’d say YES!!!

What got me moved to finally write what I had before been successfully resisting was a video I just watched of Marianne Williamson, the author of “A Return to Love” (and other books).  And wouldn’t you know it – she used that very word – barrier – and essentially spoke what I had been thinking!  So here is my two cents’ worth – read her book, at least.  I’m sure you can find it in the library – it’s actually part of my own library. ^_^  And even better – also read the book that has been her inspiration – “A Course In Miracles” – yes, also in my library and which I have now right here before me and will read again!!  That one will take a lot longer and a lot of just being open to some ‘different’ ideas – probably. ^_^

As I wrote in that last blog – it looks to me like we will either ‘return to Love’ or very likely self-destruct, taking the whole planet with us, given the level of destructive bombs, etc we have created.  We don’t need every single person on the planet to get it – we just need the “100th monkey”.  Even if you don’t think you are saving the planet – I promise you will feel happier, more peaceful and probably be more successful & abundant.  What do you have to lose????  Don’t listen to that ego-based voice – it does not have your best interest at heart.  Your Heart does!!!

Don’t wanna read?  Then please – just do your best to remain aware of your own thinking and speaking.  Notice those times you are coming from anger and/or fear.  Notice when you are judging, when you are sure YOU are RIGHT, etc etc etc! (Driving on the freeway is a great time to notice. ^_^)  And do your best to stop (your thinking, not the car! ^_^) and as best you can – return to Love.

And so, I shall take a deep breath and do as it feels I am being guided to do – to once again share what poured out onto the pages of my morning journal.  The truth is tho, that it’s not the first time I’ve written or spoken about this – just seems to have shown up more emphatically and with a stronger urge to write here this time. I am going to write pretty much as the words were written on the journal pages.  So – here we go:

I just found myself kind of ‘frozen’ (hah, now reminded of the movie! So many messages You are sending us about Love) as my mind was distracted into the political debacle by the old phrase “the lesser of two evils” and the scary realization that there is no “lesser” – seems just a lose/lose this time. 😦  Somehow, I do think Bernie the only ‘sane’ option, BUT – that is not an educated choice – gut feeling at best.  Hillery a ‘corporate puppet’ I fear and ALL Republicans way worse, with Trump an authentic mental case!  In the most dangerous sense!  Scary!! 

There is only one way thru and that is the path of Love.  It may be true, as some ancient Eastern ‘religions’ claim, that we have  done this many times – come to this point and continued down the path of self-destruction – I don’t know and (if true) can only pray we breakthru this time.  Everything in the Spiritual community points in the direction of breakthru.  And the only thing I know is – the ONLY place I have any power is in here – in myself.  I must choose to heal any and all traces of all that Trump seems to represent – racism, bigotry, greed, hate, etc.  Since I cannot even see what is not still ‘true’ for me – that is, what I don’t already know and believe – then  all I can do is remain vigilant – pay attention to my own thinking and speaking – all the knee-jerk reactions, all the judgements and accompanying unkind thoughts/words/feelings – those times on the highway when I sound just like Trump!  All the ways I judge as I sit at the quilt shows watching the ‘parade’ of people passing by – as well as those who enter and say “stupid things”.  😦  The impatience and judgmental thoughts as I wait in line at the bank or grocery – or toward the person whose cart is in MY way, or whose child is annoying.  It is time for every person on this planet to begin practicing “non-violence and loving-kindness” at every level of their being!  It is our negative energy that has coalesced and formed the person we call Trump.  He is the personification of all the negative energy we have sent out, and we continue to feed that creation thru our negative reactions toward him.  We must stop looking out there and judging – we must take what we see and know it as the mirror it is and then look inside at what WE must heal within ourselves.  Yes, Trump is scary – but, to be in reaction to him only adds more negative energy – like attempting to put out a fire by throwing gasoline on it.

Those thoughts and similar words showed up last week when I realized that I had to find a different way to hold/view all of what appears so awful – I know it’s all a mirror; I know we are always being shown something about ourselves so we can heal and move on to what we truly want in our lives.  These thoughts make logical sense to me – what is happening out there looks totally crazy and scary as viewed from their level.  I had to find another/new way.  In support of that idea I give you these quotes:

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”                                                                                                                                               Dr. Wayne Dyer

“No revolution of outer circumstances is possible without first a revolution in one’s inner way of being.”                                                                          The I Ching

“When you SEE things differently, you will begin to ACT differently.”  Unknown

 

It has been a long time since I found myself moved to do this – write a blog.  However, having completed my normal morning routine of coffee, journaling, reading and browsing email/FB – I sat for just a moment before getting up to begin the ‘doing’ of the day.  And as my mind kind of reviewed all of the above – it came to rest and ponder one particular area and then I heard that voice – the one that tells me ‘what to do’ and the one I have learned to follow. So, here I am at this keyboard and I shall attempt to type something that may be of value to someone in some small way.

I am a quilter – more specifically, I am a pattern designer and I design patterns for “applique”, which is just one ‘phase’ of quilting. I sell my patterns thru a website and by vending at quilt shows. To become a vendor requires submitting an application, paying for a booth space and then doing the physical labor required to actually set up the booth to display my wares, so to speak.  Sometimes I receive an invitation; sometimes I request an application.  Often I return year after year to the same show(s).  Sometimes I get ‘dropped’ from the list – intentionally or accidentally.  The shows of which I speak are the ones put on by local guilds; all who do the work of producing said show(s) are volunteers -folks who also have ‘real lives’ and responsibilities in addition to their guild ‘job’.  And in most cases the jobs are handed on every year – or every other year.  Lists get lost, etc.

I, like perhaps 99% of us on this planet, continue to struggle with/attempt to heal my very personal issues around ‘self-worth’.  So, attempting to sell something that I have created carries with it the same issues – no big surprise. ^_^  Thus, having to request acceptance into a show (i.e. ‘group’) carries with it all of those challenges around my evaluation of my ‘worth’.  Most of the time this is not a real ‘in my face’ kind of challenge/issue – I’m just acknowledging that it is lurking somewhere in the background. ^_^  As it is each day of the show as I stand in the booth with all my wares on display. It is often a HUGE challenge not to be drawn into the world’s evaluating systems – the ones that judge you based upon all the outer stuff – size, shape, color and bank account.  You know – if I have a great day (read that, ‘take in lots of money’), I am worthwhile.  Don’t think I need to type the alternative.

It’s the money part that brings me to what I really wanted to say.  What I noticed this morning was how lost I had become in the ‘making money’ aspect.  I had lost my passion for what I do – the creating part.  While calling myself an artist is still a carry over struggle from early decisions about myself – let’s just say I AM an artist and that is what I had managed to bury under my apparent need for money.  As every artist knows – if you are not creating from the pure joy of creating, inspiration soon dries up and you find yourself in the desert called lack and limitation, struggle and unhappiness.  And believing that money is the water of life, you will continue to thirst!!  And slowly die.

And so today if feels like I have reclaimed my artist and am ready to create again.  And I looked at a couple of recent interactions with ‘vendor chairs’ – those folks whose job it is to enroll vendors in participating in their show.  For some, it’s more a process of elimination – picking and choosing from the many applications.  For others it can be a struggle to find people to fill the available spaces.  And sometimes they find a vendor they really want and then must enroll them into the possibility their show represents.  As you might suspect – it’s a whole different experience on this side between those who seem to have a ‘surplus’ and those who are coming from an authentic appreciation for what you have to offer.  If I forget who I am and get caught up in the outside evaluations – it’s really easy to be invalidated by an attitude!!  And it gets even worse when I am having my usual financial struggles and don’t even have the booth fee for a show I really want to be a part of.  How embarrassing and shaming it can be.  How nice when there is understanding and a willingness to work out an agreement.  How belittling when not – IF I let it.  As I reviewed the two interactions – one of each – I found myself able to authentically let the one go and to appreciate the other.  And for me – that’s something like a breakthru!! ^_^

And the point of this long blog – where might it be time to let go?  Let go of people and situations where you feel invalidated, or that tend to cater to your perceived lack of worth??  I have been hearing, in the ‘Spiritual arenas’, that 2016 is the year of miracles!  I for one have chosen to run with that and keep a keen eye out for any opportunity to create one in my life!  If you have read all the way to here – perhaps you are also up for that??? ^_^

I had a very brief encounter with my family yesterday that resulted in some interesting thoughts this morning.  To lay the groundwork for this writing I will admit to nearing the end of my 75th year – what that means is, I grew up in those “simpler times” you hear about. ^_^

In the course of a conversation with my son, I used the following words: “I hate those things.”  He seemed surprised and asked me why and I explained – my explanation being really my “opinion”, truth be told.  And not the real subject of this writing.  Once  back in my little house I realized what I had said was ‘inappropriate” given they are trying to teach the kids to NOT use that word – ‘hate’ – and Rachel was right there and part of the conversation initially.  oops!  I even considered texting an apology, but didn’t.  Instead I am going to write about it here.

You see, as I was growing up, we often used that word.  It was like the superlative of dislike (a word we never used!) It was easier than saying “I really, really don’t like _____”.  Like – I hate vanilla ice cream.  or, I hate rainy days.  It was almost never used as “I hate you” – maybe only when we were really little and really upset with mom??? ^_^ (Note – by me, only once safely hidden behind my closed door and not loud enough for her to hear!!) Or when we were really upset and said “I just wanted to kill him for saying that.” The point I’m making is that hate was a relatively harmless word that simply described (mostly) how we felt about ‘things’.  Like some people love vanilla ice cream. ^_^  Oh, and in that example – ‘kill’ was just a way to say we were really upset in some way – frustrated, embarrassed or angry (but not in a hateful way).

So what happened??  How did we get to this current emotional state around that four letter word – hate??  I think it’s the direct result of what we call “the media”.  Some clever story writer came up with a term to attract attention to his/her story about the latest ‘killing’ – called it a ‘hate crime’.  And we were off to the races!  Everyone jumped onto that band wagon – and here we are – hating each other because we are different.  We have taken what is a ‘normal’ (for humans) fear of the unknown and turned it into “I hate you because you are different and I don’t understand you”.  Its a very short step from hate to violence, unfortunately.

I understand the ‘fear’ because for me, personally, to ‘not know/not understand’ is very threatening.  Somehow means I’m wrong or stupid and thus ‘worthless’.  Won’t go down that path here – some of you will get it.  We all know that fear triggers the ‘fight or flight’ stuff – so at least with fear, you still have some degree of choice!  Not so with hate, I think.  ?  I think hate adds real anger to the fear – a volatile combination ??  And even adds in a measure of ‘justification’ for whatever violent actions you might take to get rid of ‘that hateful thing out there’.

So the first scary thought is – in what other ways have we been covertly (and probably unintentionally) led down a path to destruction by our ‘media’? What other ‘catch phrases’ are being used that we don’t even notice?  Is it now called “spin”?  While I do NOT watch or listen to “the news”, I do go online & have email and facebook in my life.  But even if I didn’t – it feels like it has all become part of the very air we breathe.

The good news is, I think we have begun to wake up to the fact that we have been given a steady diet of ‘bad’ news because the media has believed that’s the only way to attract ‘followers/readers/listeners’.  I have begun to hear and read “Seems like we only hear about the bad news lately, so here’s a story about something good.”

I wonder what would happen if we began to view ‘different’ as an opportunity??  An opportunity to learn and grow?!  I just saw in my mind that almond milk commercial – so human!  “No, I won’t taste it because I don’t know what it tastes like”.  We can laugh at it because it rings so true! ^_^  Yep, we just might discover we like that ‘different’ person – and that they really aren’t so different after all!!

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